[Opening sequence and theme song.]
[Episode opens inside the turtles’ lair. Michelangelo is asleep on the couch and snoring loudly.]
Donatello "Boy, Michelangelo's snoring is loud."
Leonardo "And his stomach noises are really loud."
Raphael "I like to think of it as music. Michelangelo's duet for stomach and sinuses in D flat."
Leonardo "Quiet, you guys. April's on-the-spot news report is beginning."
[He turns on the television.]
April O’Neil "I'm here at the 17th Street police station, where a bizarre burglary has taken place. With me is Lieutenant Montoya. Tell our audience what happened, Lieutenant."
[In the background, crime scene investigators search for clues.]
Lt. Montoya "Last night, thieves broke into our crime lab exhibit. They stole only items connected with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
April "Do you have any theories about this unusual theft?"
Montoya "Ah. We haven't got a clue, Miss O'Neil."
April "Mysterious thieves with ninja turtle memorabilia. April O'Neil, with Channel 6 news."
Donatello "Why would anyone want stuff connected to us?"
[Leonardo’s turtlecom beeps.]
April "Hi, guys."
Leonardo "Hi, April. What's up?"
[Michelangelo’s snoring stops and he sits up.]
Michelangelo "Mmm, oh! Did someone mention pizza? At Vinnie's? Whoa, let's make turtle tracks, dudes."
Raphael "Promise him a pizza and he'll follow you anywhere."
[The turtles, wearing disguises, sit in a booth with April at Vinnie’s.]
Michelangelo "Whoa, man. I think that last piece finally got my scarf alarm turned off. But maybe I'll just get one to go. Hey, Vinnie. Could I get a jumbo with everything, to go?"
Vinnie "To go? Sure."
Michelangelo "Hey, dude. What happened to that pizza box we autographed? It used to be right there."
Vinnie "Hey, how about that? Somebody must have swiped it."
Donatello "Yeah, but why would anyone want to steal a pizza box with our signatures on it?"
Michelangelo "Mondo bizarro, dude. First they cop the stuff from the cop shop and now this."
April "Walk me home, guys? This is not a safe neighborhood."
Donatello "We would be most happy to escort you, young lady."
[The turtles wait in the hallway as April prepares to enter her apartment.]
April "Thanks, guys. I'll see you later."
[A crashing sound comes from inside.]
Leonardo "There's someone in your apartment."
[He opens the door and rushes in, followed by April and the other turtles. Inside, the apartment is trashed. A man is climbing out the window, a stolen item in his hands.]
Leonardo "Hey, what are you doing here?"
[The man climbs down the fire escape and jumps into an orange truck.]
Donatello "He's getting away."
April "I'll get the license number. 3-A-N-4-6-2."
[The engine starts and tires screech as the truck speeds off. The turtles jump onto the fire escape.]
Leonardo "Come on, turtles. We'll follow them on the rooftops."
Michelangelo "You dudes take the high road. I'll take the sewer road.
April, keep an eye on my pizza!"
[He slides down a pipe and jumps down into the sewers.]
April, keep an eye on my pizza!"
April "Keep an eye on my pizza? Hmm, I've got better things to do.
Lt. Montoya, I've got a license plate number I'd like you to trace for me."
[She places a phone call.]
Lt. Montoya, I've got a license plate number I'd like you to trace for me."
Raphael "He's going too fast. We can't keep up."
Leonardo "I'll give him some laundry to do.
Those jockey shorts'll cramp his style."
[He unties one end of a clothes line and slides down, knocking the clothes off onto the truck’s windshield.]
Those jockey shorts'll cramp his style."
Clyde "What is this, an underwear storm?"
[He crashes into some trash cans. Michelangelo runs through the sewers carrying his surf board.]
Michelangelo "Surfing the sewer circuit is truly rad.
Surf's up! Cowabunga, dude!"
[He opens a valve and water sprays out of a side tunnel.]
Surf's up! Cowabunga, dude!"
[The water lifts Michelangelo out of the sewer and floods Clyde’s truck.]
Clyde "Oh, yuck. Bleh, puh!"
[He puts the truck in drive and takes off. The turtles block his route with a pair of dumpsters.]
Raphael "Stuck in traffic? Next time, try the train."
Clyde "Boss, I'm in trouble. The turtles got me trapped."
Monroe Q. Flem "Calm down, Clyde. I anticipated your stupidity. Just push the red button on the dashboard."
Clyde "Red button, right. Uh, gotcha."
[He presses a red button and gas shoots out of tubes at the front and rear of the truck.]
Leonardo "Look out! Gas!"
[The turtles cough as the gas surrounds them and then they start laughing.]
Leonardo "Look, ha, ha, he's--he's getting away."
[Tires screech.]
Michelangelo "Did you guys hear the one about-- Ha, ha, ha!"
Donatello "This is--this is no time for— ha, ha, for gags, Michelangelo."
Michelangelo "Well, when else can I get ha, ha, you dudes to laugh at my jokes?"
[Irma arrives at April’s apartment.]
Irma "Wow, who's your decorator?"
April "A burglar. And he stole all my turtle souvenirs. But what really makes me mad is he took my turtlecom.
Hello? Oh, hello, Lt. Montoya. You have the address of the person who owns the pickup truck? Great. 7-7-7 77th Street. Thanks so much, Lieutenant. Bye. Come on, Irma. We're gonna catch a thief."
[Phone rings.]
Hello? Oh, hello, Lt. Montoya. You have the address of the person who owns the pickup truck? Great. 7-7-7 77th Street. Thanks so much, Lieutenant. Bye. Come on, Irma. We're gonna catch a thief."
[The turtles are back at the lair.]
Leonardo "And then the pickup truck drove off, Master Splinter."
Splinter "I do not like the sound of this, my students."
Leonardo "I just remembered. April saw the license number of that pickup. We can trace the owner that way."
Donatello "Turtles calling April. Come in, April. Calling April. Strange, she's not answering."
Michelangelo "Whoa, maybe that burglar dude came back for seconds."
Leonardo "Let's go, turtles."
[The turtles throw their turtle lines over the fire escape railing and climb up.]
Donatello "Uh, fellas, why couldn't we just use the elevator to get to April's apartment?"
Raphael "This is more visual."
[They enter the apartment.]
Donatello "April's gone."
Michelangelo "Uh-oh. I've got a bad feeling about this, compadres."
Leonardo "I bet she found the address of that truck's owner and went off to investigate."
[Raphael runs over to pick up the note pad next to April’s phone.]
Raphael "They can always read addresses like this in the movies. 7-7-7 77th."
Leonardo "April could be in trouble. Let's go."
Donatello "Could we use the elevator if nobody watches?"
[April pulls the Channel 6 news van to a stop outside the gate of a large estate.]
April "This is the address."
Irma "This guy gives bad taste a bad name."
April "Wait a minute, I know this house. I did a news story here. It belongs to Monroe Q. Flem, the billionaire collector."
Irma "The billionaire collector? How greedy. I only want one billionaire."
April "No, he's a billionaire. He collects things. I'll bet that's why he stole my stuff. He's collecting turtle memorabilia. Wait here for me. If I'm not back in ten minutes—"
Irma "Can I have your blue sweater?"
April "Call the Turtles.
There's that truck. Billionaire collector or not, he can't have my turtlecom.
That sounds like Michelangelo's stomach. Oh, no! Guard dogs!
Stay back, nice doggies. I won't hurt you.
Ahh!"
[She climbs over the stone wall that surrounds the estate.]
There's that truck. Billionaire collector or not, he can't have my turtlecom.
[Dogs barking.]
That sounds like Michelangelo's stomach. Oh, no! Guard dogs!
[The dogs chase her.]
Stay back, nice doggies. I won't hurt you.
[Flem steps out onto the porch as April runs past, followed by the dogs.]
Ahh!"
Flem "Well, well, a visitor."
April "Help!"
Flem "Are you the person I called to exercise my doggies?"
April "No! Call them off!"
Flem "Don't be afraid, my dear. My gas will stop them."
[He tosses a canister of gas on the ground. When the smoke clears, the dogs are both licking April.]
April "Yuck! What did you do to them?"
Flem "That's my pacifying gas. It turns any beast into a cuddly pet."
April "Of course, you're Monroe Q. Flem. You manufacture exotic gasses."
Flem "So, you've heard of me. Of course, my many collections are world famous. My stamp collection, my coin collection, my paintings of Elvis on velvet."
April "I'm more interested in something one of your goons collected from my apartment."
Flem "Why, you're April O'Neil. I apologize. My boys do tend to get carried away. But perhaps you'd like to see my collection of turtle memorabilia. I've always been fascinated with turtles. When I was a child, my mother gave away my pet turtle, Rosebud. And now I'm getting even with Mommy dearest by owning the world's largest collection of ninja turtle artifacts. It's so fortunate that you've come, my dear. You can help me complete my collection."
April "Get real, Flem. The only thing I'm going to help you with is turning yourself in to the police."
Flem "Oh, dear. Adler, Miss O'Neil is being uncooperative. Lock her up until she changes her mind, would you please?"
Adler "Right, Mr. Flem."
April "Hey, let go! Get your hands off me! Help!"
Flem "Yes, scream all you want, Miss O'Neil. No one can hear you."
April "Help! Help!"
[Inside the news van, Irma is sound asleep and snoring.]
Adler "Here's your guest cell, sweetie."
April "Don't call me sweetie, smog breath!"
Adler "Oh, you're a feisty one. Well, you won't be so uppity when you see what Mr. Flem's got planned for you and your turtle friends."
April "Well, here's a change of plans."
[She pulls out of his grip and steps on his foot.]
Adler "Uhh! Ow!"
April "Which way's the exit?"
Adler "Hey, come back here."
[She runs through Flem’s museum and stops when she nearly hits a Shredder wax figure.]
April "Shredder! Aah!"
[Adler catches up to her and grabs her by the arms.]
Adler "You got caught by a dummy."
April "You or this?"
Adler "Very funny. The boss had wax figures made of everybody the turtles was involved with."
April "He looks so real."
Adler "Not as real as some are gonna look."
April "What do you mean?"
Adler "You'll find out."
[He shoves her into a cage.]
April "Uhh!"
Adler "Now, behave yourself."
April "I hope Irma got ahold of the turtles."
Flem "Put that in the diorama of the turtles' lair, Clyde. I'll examine it later."
Clyde "Right, boss."
[Clyde enters an exact duplicate of the lair, but trips over the first step and drops the box, spilling the contents, including the turtlecom.]
Clyde "Doh!"
Flem "Be careful, mush brain!"
Clyde "Sorry, boss."
Flem "It can't be. It is! A turtlecom. After all these years, after my unending search, I am about to reach my moment of total and complete fulfillment!
Shut up, you dolt!"
[Clyde claps.]
Shut up, you dolt!"
[The turtles drive towards Flem’s estate in their turtle van. Donatello continues trying to reach April.]
Donatello "Turtles calling April. Come in, April."
Raphael "No luck, huh?"
Donatello "No. And I don't like it. Calling April."
[Flem is seated at a monitor.]
Flem "This frequency tracking device will lead me to the turtles' lair. As soon as I lock onto their base station. Ah-ha! I've done it! I've found the turtles' lair."
[The turtles pull up behind the news van.]
Donatello "This is the place."
[They can hear Irma’s snores.]
Leonardo "What's that noise?"
Raphael "Sounds like Michelangelo's stomach."
Donatello "It's Irma."
Michelangelo "Awesome noise. Maybe they're using her to scare away intruders."
Leonardo "I'll bet that April's already inside."
[Michelangelo hops onto the top of the fence.]
Michelangelo "Whoa, totally tasteless decor, dudes. They ought to put up a higher wall around this pad."
Donatello "To keep people out?"
Michelangelo "No, to keep people from seeing in."
Leonardo "Come on, turtles."
[They all jump down into the estate yard. The dogs spot them.]
Donatello "Uh-oh, here come a couple of man's best friends."
Michelangelo "Man's best friends? Mondo bummer. We're turtles."
[Snarling, the dogs rush at them. The turtles swiftly leap onto tree branches overhead.]
Michelangelo "Hi-ya!"
Leonardo "Okay, guys. It's time for our flying ninja turtle act."
[They use the tree limbs to swing over to a house balcony.]
Leonardo "Now, to figure out how to get in here."
[Donatello pushes the door open.]
Donatello "That's called the scientific method."
[Flem observes them on his monitor as they move through his museum.]
Flem "Ha ha ha! Now my priceless turtles are here. Soon my collection will be complete."
Raphael "Do you guys have the feeling somebody's gonna pop out and say "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this is your life?""
Leonardo "Hey, remember this? The case of the two-headed biker."
Donatello "Yeah, and this was the shovel we used to battle the giant Sumerian slug."
Raphael "Yeah, he was a regular pest."
Leonardo "This is amazing."
Raphael "Really, I'm even impressed by us."
[Flem arrives.]
Flem "I'm flattered by your assessment of my work."
Donatello "I know you. You're the extravagantly flamboyant collector Monroe Q. Flem."
Flem "I am indeed. And you are the famous Ninja Turtles. Haa, I've waited for this moment."
Leonardo "We know you've got April O'Neil. Hand her over!"
Flem "She's fine, fine. In fact, she'll be happy to see you. I'll take you to her."
[He leads them past the lair diorama.]
Donatello "Wow, that looks like the lair."
Flem "Yes, I created it from my imagination. I'm so pleased it's accurate. I don't yet have the perfect images of you turtles for this tableau. But I will solve that problem shortly."
[He starts laughing.]
Michelangelo "This Flem dude sure laughs a lot."
Raphael "Villains on this show always do."
April "Turtles, help!"
Leonardo "Let her go, you fiend!"
Raphael "Another classic line, Leonardo."
[They rush towards Flem, but he pulls a lever and gas shoots out at them. They all begin coughing.]
All "Hey! Look out! Whoa!"
[When the smoke clears, the turtles lay unconscious.]
Flem "Tie them up."
April "What did you do to them?"
Flem "I just gave them a dose of my special turtle knock-out gas."
April "You've got gas for everything, haven't you?"
Flem "Wait until you see what's going to happen to you and your precious turtles. That's really a gas. Ha, ha, ha!"
April "Getting gassed means never having to listen to bad jokes.
I was just kidding about the bad jokes."
[April is lowered by a chain attached to her belt towards a giant vat of wax.]
I was just kidding about the bad jokes."
[The turtles are tied up nearby. They slowly regain consciousness.]
Leonardo "Flem, what are you doing?"
Flem "I have discovered a new method to create the most lifelike wax figures. Miss O'Neil is going to be my first test subject."
April "No! I just had my legs waxed!"
Flem "If my method works on her, you four will be next in line. And then I will put you in my diorama of the lair, permanently coated with wax."
Michelangelo "Total bummer. We're all gonna be turtle waxed."
Flem "Soon your beauty will be preserved forever! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
April "I'd rather grow old gracefully."
Leonardo "Flem, let her go. I'll be your test subject."
Flem "Oh, how very gallant of you. But I cannot risk failure. Ninja Turtles are rare and priceless. News anchors, on the other hand, are a dime a dozen."
April "That tears it. You scuzzy weasel! Wait'll I get my hands on you!"
Raphael "We gotta do something."
Leonardo "We can still move. Let's get over there and try to delay Flem."
Donatello "We're tied up hand and foot, Leonardo."
Michelangelo "No problemo. We could take this dude with our hands tied."
[They all jump to their feet and hop towards Flem.]
All "Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!"
Flem "Oh, look, how quaint. The turtle hop."
[He pulls a lever a gas covers the turtles.]
Leonardo "Look out! Gas!"
Raphael "Three times in one show."
[Their teeth start chattering.]
Flem "I call this my freeze gas. One blast will temporarily turn a living subject into a statue. Clyde! Adler!"
Adler "Yes, boss?"
Flem "Now, be good henchmen and put them in the lair diorama in the museum, won't you? I want to see how they'll look as part of the permanent display."
[Irma wakes up.]
Irma "Oh, where am I? Oh, no! Oh, I was supposed to call the turtles half an hour ago. I'd better go see if April's all right."
[She jumps out of the van and enters the estate. Meanwhile, Flem has arranged the turtles inside the lair diorama. Leonardo is posed holding his sword.]
Flem "I am such an artiste. When the turtles are permanently coated with wax, they will look simply marvelous."
[The turtles talk with their minds.]
Leonardo "We've got to get out of here."
Donatello "My nose itches."
Michelangelo "I've got the major munchies."
[Irma hides behind a display.]
Irma "The turtles."
Clyde "We better dip these turtles before that gas wears off, boss."
Flem "We have at least a half an hour at this temperature. I want to finish O'Neil first."
Irma "I've gotta revive the turtles. But how?
He's freezing cold. Donatello, snap out of it!"
[She runs over and touches Donatello.]
He's freezing cold. Donatello, snap out of it!"
Donatello "S-s-stop shaking me!"
Irma "That doesn't work. Now what?"
Donatello "Raise the temperature control."
Irma "Of course, they're frozen. I'll raise the temperature control."
Donatello "Boy, this mental telepathy stuff really works."
[Irma walks over to a controller mounted to the wall.]
Irma "Computerized climate control. This must be it. Good thing I took that class in how to use computers."
[She presses a button and the temperature slowly climbs. A monitor in Flem’s lab shows the change.]
Flem "What's happening? The temperature is rising. My wax figures! [The wax statues start to melt.] Oh, my precious family of wax! They are being destroyed! Whoever is responsible for this will pay!"
[The temperature control reaches ninety and then the machine blows up.]
Irma "It's amazing what a little technical skill can do. Come on, guys. Snap out of it."
[The turtles all start moving.]
All "Oh!"
[Irma digs around in her purse.]
Irma "I must have something in here for an emergency like this. Ah-ha! Eau de nightingale. My favorite perfume. That'll bring 'em back to life."
[She sprays them in the face and they violently cough.]
Donatello "Who's wearing that cheap perfume?"
Irma "Cheap? I'll have you know that costs fifteen dollars a quart. Hurry, guys. April's in danger!"
[April is slowly being lowered towards the wax.]
April "Turtles! Perfect timing as usual."
Donatello "I'll shut off the controls."
[An overhead door slides open to reveal Flem and a group of robots.]
Flem "You turtles have ruined everything. But I will have my revenge. Prepare to meet your doom at the metal hands of my waxmation warriors!"
[He laughs and presses a button on a handheld controller. The robots’ eyes light up and they move forward.]
Donatello "Wow, under those wax figures, Flem had a robot army."
Leonardo "Well, let's see what's under those robots.
Ha! Just as I thought. Nothing."
[He leaps into action, lifting one with the point of his sword. When it hits the ground it falls apart.]
Ha! Just as I thought. Nothing."
[A robot moves to attack Raphael and he stabs it.]
Raphael "Hey! Gimme back my sais!
Now, there's a guy with a sparkling personality. Thanks, Michelangelo."
[He kicks the robot and it trips over Michelangelo, who is on hands and knees behind the robot. It explodes.]
Now, there's a guy with a sparkling personality. Thanks, Michelangelo."
Michelangelo "No problemo, dude.
Hey! Put me down!
Well, at least you made a good impression."
[A robot picks him up.]
Hey! Put me down!
[He flips the robot over his head and it crashes to the floor.]
Well, at least you made a good impression."
[Donatello jumps down in front of Flem.]
Flem "No, get away! You'll ruin everything!"
Donatello "That's my plan, Flem."
Flem "Get him!"
[His henchmen leap at Donatello, who pole vaults out of their way. They both land in wax.]
Adler "Ha ha, I can't move."
Clyde "Let's hop outta here."
[Donatello lands next to Flem and snatches the controller out of his hands.]
Flem "Give that back!"
Donatello "Now we'll see how these things work."
[He presses buttons and the robots slam into each other and break. Leonardo places a ladder against the wax vat and climbs up to cut April free. He catches her and carries her down the ladder.]
April "Oh, thanks, Leonardo."
Leonardo "It's all part of the service. Rescues 'R Us."
Flem "No! No! No! No! No!"
Leonardo "Looks like our biggest fan is not too happy with us."
Raphael "Well, you know, that's the way it is. One minute, they love you, the next, your autographed photo is lining their birdcage."
[Back at the lair, the turtles and Splinter watch April’s broadcast.]
April "The extravagantly flamboyant billionaire, Monroe Q. Flem, was taken to the city sanitarium for observation. The stolen ninja turtle memorabilia were returned to their rightful owners."
Michelangelo "Look, dudes. We even got Vinnie's pizza box back. Maybe he'll give us a free refill."
April "This is April O'Neil for Channel 6 news, saying good night."
Raphael "You know, if Flem ever remembers where the lair is, we might be in trouble again, guys."
Donatello "Hey, that's not a problem. I installed the turtlecom base station a mile away from here. Just in case."
Michelangelo "Well, what do you think made Flem get so weird like that, Sensei?
Dudes, Sensei's really zoned way out."
[Splinter doesn’t move and Michelangelo waves a hand in front of his face.]
Dudes, Sensei's really zoned way out."
[Splinter walks up.]
Splinter "Exactly what does this "zoned way out" mean, my student?"
Michelangelo "Whoa! I'm seeing double."
Leonardo "Ha ha ha. It's wax. We brought it over from Flem's museum."
Michelangelo "Very funny, dudes."
Leonardo "Gotcha."
[They all laugh.]
Raphael "Good one, Leonardo."
[End Credits]