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Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids.
An anthology book with stories by various creators.
|Turtle Soup > volume 2 #1|
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vol. 2 #2
- Major characters: Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, Splinter, April O'Neil, Betti, Henry, Snapper, Abner Cadaver, Kevin, Pete, Alternate Turtles, Captain Scaley-Beard
- Cover date: December, 1991
A Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles Solo Adventure! "Velveeduh in The One That Got Away"
by Mark Martin.
Synopsis to be added.
"Mid-afternoon of the Living Dead"
A meteor lands in the Ever-Rest Cemetery, but it’s no ordinary space rock. The meteorite turns out to be an alien canister containing strange worms. The night-crawlers work their way into the soil where the coffins reside. The next morning, a pair of intrepid meteorite hunters trace the trajectory of the meteor to the cemetery. They get out of their van to hunt for it, but are immediately attacked by flesh-eating zombies who have been resurrected by the worms.
At a nearby lake, the Ninja Turtles are on a fishing vacation. Sadly, Mikey ate all their bait (mistaking it for anchovies), leaving them in a fix. Raph sees a local shambling toward them and decides to ask him if he has any bait. The man turns out to be a zombie, and what’s worse, he’s being accompanied by dozens of other flesh-eaters. The Turtles whip out their weapons and make quick work of the undead creatures.
Later, the Turtles enjoy their fishing vacation, using the alien worms they retrieved from the zombie corpses as bait. Abner Cadaver closes the story by reminding the readers that you are what you eat, and when the Turtles eventually sit down for a fish dinner, they’ll be indirectly eating the alien worms themselves
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Attack!!! Part 2"
As Mikey, Don and Raph struggle with the hungry T-rex, Leonardo enjoys a leisurely ride on the back of a brontosaurus (while a confused struthiomimus dashes off). Donatello groans to himself, as he thought he’d gotten enough of fighting dinosaurs when he and his brothers visited the past.
The T-rex proceeds to pound the Turtles flat, but before it can take a bite out of any of them, Henry successfully returns the brontosaurus and the T-rex to prehistory. Raph is not in a very thankful mood and is about to gut Henry with his sai. Startled, Henry begins pressing buttons on his gauntlet to send himself and Betti home. Instead, he unleashes a bunch of mean-looking futuristic robots…
"Tales of Alternate Turtles on the Moon!"
Down at Ye Olde Scurrilous Pub on the wharf, the Alternate Turtles are groaning about their fate. They were employed as understudies of the Ninja Turtles, but hardly ever get any work because the TMNT keep hogging the spotlight. Suddenly, Captain Scaley-Beard of the Jolly Deathtrap approaches them with a job offer. He says he bought a treasure map off a local drunk and needs a crew to go retrieve the booty.
The Alternate Turtles are incredulous, so Scaley-Beard explains. Apparently, the drunk was once a pirate who helped steal some Martian treasure and buried it on the moon. Except after it was buried, all the pirates double-crossed each other and there was a slaughter. The drunk managed to escape with his life, the only survivor, but was too injured to ever go back. The Alternate Turtles glimpse a knife planted in the drunk’s back and politely decline Scaley-Beard’s offer. They are subsequently bashed over the heads and shanghaied.
The Alternate Turtles awaken on the Jolly Deathtrap, a wooden rocket ship headed for the moon. Upon landing, Scaley-Beard marches his crew out and orders them to start digging until they find the treasure. The Alternate Turtles get to work, at least until a second group of pirates attack, intent on stealing the treasure.
With no weapons to defend themselves, the Alternate Turtles hightail it to a nearby crate and hide. In the crater, they find the skeletons of several dead pirates and a big ole X. Digging up the X, they find the lost treasure and figure they’ll just take it for themselves.
Meanwhile, Scaley-Beard and his crew have eliminated the interlopers. As soon as Scaley-Beard wonders where the Alternate Turtles have gone, he spots them taking off in the Jolly Deathtrap. Scaley-Beard orders his crew to give pursuit in the ship that belonged to the interlopers.
Inside the Jolly Deathtrap, the Alternate Turtles and the bridge crew (nothing but babes in bikinis) break open the treasure chest to find it filled with potato chips. Scaley-Beard hails the ship and says that chips are the greatest treasure in the galaxy. The pirate opens fire and the Alternate Turtles think fast. They launch all the chips at Scaley-Beard’s ship, clogging his warp drive intakes and blowing the villain to smithereens. Unfortunately, the Alternate Turtles don’t know how to land a spaceship and brace for impact as they reenter Earth’s atmosphere.
Later, the Alternate Turtles find themselves stranded in a forest. Still, it’s not so bad. As they’re surrounded by the shapely female members of the bridge crew, they figure that while the Ninja Turtles get all the franchising dough, the Alternate Turtles get all the ladies.
Alone in April’s apartment, Raph sits on the couch in front of the tube, nursing indigestion after eating six pepperoni pizzas and drinking who knows how much soda. Looking to his left, he spots a glass bowl containing a tiny snapping turtle. Amused, Raph plucks the turtle up by its tail, only to have it bite his finger, drawing blood. The pain and the indigestion prove too much for him, and watching the turtle hissing at him from the floor, Raph passes out.
Suddenly, Raph finds himself in a nightmarish version of April’s apartment, approached by a humongous mutant snapping turtle. Raph grabs his sai, but the snapping turtle proves too fast and too powerful, throwing Raph around the room. The snapping turtle tells Raph that by ignoring his reptile heritage and embracing human culture, he has let himself grow weak. Tearing Raph’s throat out with his jaws, the snapping turtle says that pizza is no substitute for blood.
Moments later, Raph awakens on the floor of April’s apartment, with the little snapping turtle on his head and a very upset April standing in the doorway. Apparently, the entire apartment has been trashed as if there was a huge brawl. April scoops up little “Snapper”, who is very sweet and gentle in her hands. April says she found him in an alley and wanted to give him to Raph to set free. But April has more important things on her mind, now.
Throwing Raph out of her apartment, she orders him to go back to the sewer lair and not return without a rare ninja weapon: a broom. Back in his glass bowl, Snapper chuckles at Raph’s predicament.
- Donatello references the time they fought dinosaurs in the past with Renet in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 1) #7.
- The meteorite hunters, Kevin and Pete, are parodies of TMNT creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.
- Don Simpson previously wrote an adventure starring his version of the TMNT in Shell Shock, “Teen Techno Turtle Trio Plus One!”.