[Open Int. Lair; Night]
(Stage lights turn on and focus on Donnie who is standing in front of a large curtain while his brothers sit on cardboard boxes.)
DONNIE: (proudly) “Brethren, before you is my masterpiece. The culmination of my myriad skills united in one glorious enterprise. Gentleman, behold the-”
LEO: [OS] (excited) “Oh, is it the drill? (Leo is lounging on the boxes next to Raph) Is it that drill you made when we were fighting those silverfish?”
DONNIE: (hesitates) “Uh, no. No, that’s still in beta.”
RAPH: “Lame!”
DONNIE: “But this is better. Much, much better. I give you the...”
MIKEY: (sitting next to Raph on the floor) “Is it even cooler, even bigger drill?!”
DONNIE: (shortly) “No, not a drill.”
(Donnie points at the curtain behind him)
DONNIE: “This is the big surprise.”
(Donnie pulls a rope and the curtain goes up to reveal an empty sewer tunnel.)
DONNIE: “Ta-stinkin’-da!”
MIKEY: “Yay! A sewer tube full of nothing!”
DONNIE: (shocked) “Huh?!”
MIKEY: “I’m so proud of you.”
(Donnie jumps and turns to see the tank is gone)
DONNIE: “What? Where did it go?! I built an amazing vehicle out of the moon buggy. Who stole our Turtle Tank?!”
[Trans Ext. New York City; Night]
(The Turtle tank is being driven erratically through NYC at night. Splinter is driving the Tank. He uses grabbers to reach the levers and controls, and wears pump sandals to reach the pedals.)
SPLINTER: (howling) “Hot Soooooooup!”
(Splinter laughs maniacally.)
[Trans. Ext. Building Rooftop; Night]
(The Turtles are searching for the Tank.)
RAPH: “Hey, this is a real problem, Donnie. Not only did they steal your tank thing-“
MIKEY: “Now you can finish the drill!”
RAPH: “-But they must know where our lair is. It must be somebody who’s penetrated our inner circle.”
DONNIE: “Maybe it’s someone we’ve known... (suspiciously) …for years.”
[Trans. Int. April’s apartment; Night]
(April is sitting on her couch with Mayhem. Donnie kicks the door in as the other turtles jump in, looking around for the tank under pillows and rugs.)
DONNIE: (points at April) “Alright, you! Where’s our Turtle Tank?”
APRIL: (forced smile) “Hi, Donnie. You have nine seconds to tell me why you just broke down my door.”
LEO (mad) “Someone stole Donnie’s Turtle Tank.”
(April laughs dangerously and gives the Turtles an angry smile.)
APRIL: “Oh, I see. So as your best friend you naturally suspect me?”
MIKEY: (pleased) “She gets it.”
DONNIE: “Oh, don’t give me that. You’re the only one who could’ve taken it!”
(April grabs her baseball bat and taps it in her palm, making the Turtle balk.)
APRIL: “3... 2... 1....”
[Trans. Ext. New York alley; Night]
(Off Screen, a loud smack from a baseball bat can be heard and all the turtles yelp.)
LEO: [OS] “No, why?!”
(The Turtles are knocked out of April’s apartment window and pile up in the alley below, groaning.)
DONNIE: “Okay, good news. Our inner circle is secure.”
MIKEY: (calling up to April) “Sorry, April. Movie night later?”
(April is leaning out of her window and looking down on the Turtles with an easy smile.)
APRIL: “Your treat.”
(April blows a kiss and closes the window.)
DONNIE: “Alright guys. Who’s our next suspect?”
RAPH: “It’s gotta be someone who knows we exist.”
(The tank zooms by in the background and we faintly hear Splinter laughing maniacally.)
MIKEY: (gasps) “Splinter!”
(Mikey pulls out a splinter of wood from his head.)
MIKEY: “Must be from April’s bat.”
SPLINTER: (Distantly) “Awesome!”
LEO: “It’s gotta be another mutant and I know where we can find a mutant. The mutant pizza place!”
[Trans. Ext. Alley with secret entrance to Run of The Mill pizzeria; Night]
RAPH: “Stand back. Raph’s got this.”
(Raph gestures with his hand and the brick wall with skull graffiti magically turns into a portal.)
RAPH: “Okay, Leo do your thing.”
LEO: (smugly) “Ah, the old smooth urban cop digging for info in a restaurant routine. Watch and learn, babies.”
[Trans. Int. Run of the Mill Pizzeria; Night]
(Leo walks into the pizzeria and up to Señor Hueso.)
LEO: “Say, Bone-man! Yo, you seem like you have your ear hole to the ground. What do you know about a certain missing Turtle tank?”
(Leo throws a slip of paper into Hueso's hand as a bribe. Hueso examines it.)
HUESO: “A Teddy Bear Town coupon? Well, I have no need for a Mayor Cuddlecakes.”
(Hueso crumples up the coupon and bounces it off Leo’s head)
HUESO: “Buh-bye.”
(Leo groans and starts to ask a few nearby yokai for information.)
LEO: “Hey there, green eye, know anything about a-”
(A giant one-eyed yokai growls at Leo.)
LEO: “Okay...”
(Leo next tries talking to a small bat eared yokai that looks like a baby.)
LEO: “Hey, widdle cutie. Bet you know- “
(But the baby yokai screeches at him and Leo jumps back.)
LEO: “Oh, come ON!”
DONNIE: “Enough with your stupid routine, Leo! I’m finding out which of you wise guys took our tank or I’m smashing everything in this dump!”
(Donnie tries to flip a table and can’t lift it.)
HUESO: (tired) “Hey, pepino. Your bad cop routine leaves something to be desired.”
MIKEY: “Oh, no, no-no, no. Ha-ha, we’re not the police.”
(Hueso gives an evil grin)
HUESO: “You’re not the police, you say?”
(Magical green fire appears around Hueso head.)
[Trans. Ext. Alley with secret Entrance to Run of The Mill pizzeria; Night]
(The Turtles get thrown out back through the portal and onto their faces.)
ALL: “Ah!”
(Leo sits up and rubs his carapace.)
LEO: “Oh, man! Why can’t anyone throw us into a nice, soft pile of trash?”
(Raph sits up and groans. Donnie also sits up.)
RAPH: “Hey, Donnie? Why didn’t you just put a tracking device in the Turtle Tank? You put a tracking device in salami paper.”
DONNIE: “Ugh, I was getting to that. But~ then he realized he did install the shopping cart protocol!”
(Donnie waves his tech-bō and laughs triumphantly. He presses a button.)
[Trans. Ext. New York City streets; Night]
(Meanwhile, a man tries to cross the street with groceries and barely manages to jump out of the way before Splinter can run him over, his groceries breaking and spilling on the ground.)
[Trans. Int. Turtle Tank; Night]
(Splinter is laughing gleefully until an alarm goes off. A wheel lock engages on one wheel, bringing the tank to a screeching halt in an empty lot or parking lot.)
SPLINTER: “Whew… What the… What happened?”
(Splinter pushes gas pedal but the tank doesn’t move)
TANK AI: “Shopping cart protocol activated.”
SPLINTER: (annoyed) “What’s that?”
TANK AI: “I am programmed to stop if I go beyond a set perimeter.”
(Splinter harrumphs and exits the tank.)
[Trans. Ext. New York City empty lot; Night]
(Splinter opens the hood of the tank and starts messing around in the engine with a wrench, unaware of the food truck pulling up behind him.)
SPLINTER: “Useless.”
(Splinter starts hitting engine with wrench.)
SPLINTER: “Maybe I will call April. She is no snitch.”
MEAT SWEATS: [OS] (Purring) “Need a hand, matey?”
(Splinter turns, sees Meat Sweats and jumps up onto the tank engine.)
SPLINTER: (yelping) “Ah! You’re a freak of nature!”
(Meat Sweats puts his giant tenderizer on Splinters belly.)
MEAT SWEATS: “Ha! Bit of a pot belly calling the kettle black, there, me thinkies.”
(Splinter pushes the tenderizer aside.)
SPLINTER: (annoyed) “Touché. Say, could you give me a ride uptown? I will leave this here and hope it all works itself out.” (glances at tank)
MEAT SWEATS: “Well, I could do that, but what say we eat first? A drizzle of lemon over a thinly sliced silverfish sashimi.”
SPLINTER: “Ooh, fancy! I’ve only eaten silverfish off the bottom of my slipper.”
(Splinter jumps off the tank engine to follow Meat Sweats.)
MEAT SWEATS: (menacingly) “And I’ll throw in a killer dessert.”
[Trans. Ext. Building Rooftop; Night]
(The Turtles are still searching for the tank as they walk along the roof. Donnie watches the virtual map on his tech-bō.)
DONNIE: “Okay, we should find the Tank if we just track the perimeter of the shopping cart protocol’s limit.”
MIKEY: “Whoa! Are we gonna need a protractor?”
DONNIE: “No.”
MIKEY: “An abacus?”
DONNIE: “Literally never.”
MIKEY: “A bag full of sausages!?”
DONNIE: “Man, I don’t understand how your mind works. Hey, look, there the tank is.”
(Leo, Raph and Mikey see the tank for the first time.)
MIKEY: “WHOA! Donnie! Nice work.”
RAPH: “Oh-ho ho! She’s big AND beautiful.”
LEO: (delighted) “We are gonna get a LOT of parking tickets in that thing.”
(Leo spies Splinter walking towards Meat Sweats’ truck.)
LEO: “Uh, hey, guys? What’s Dad doing down there?”
(Donnie groans and fumes.)
DONNIE: “Oh, I should’ve known he took it! You just can't trust adults these days. You leave the keys to your brainchild lying around and the next thing you know-”
(Raph sees Meat Sweats in the back of the food truck.)
RAPH: “Meat Sweats? Oh, that’s bad news.”
(The Turtles watch Splinter climb into the truck.)
RAPH: “Hey, we gotta move or Dad’ll be toast. Or spread on toast. Let's go.”
(The Turtles leap into action.)
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
(Inside Meat Sweats food truck, there are cages of animals that Meat Sweats had captured to eat. The mutant pig squirts warm butter onto Splinter's head and starts rubbing it in as Splinter eats.)
MEAT SWEATS: (menacing) “This clarified butter shampoo will make you feel scrumptious.” SPLINTER: (dismissively) “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a great idea for a chain of restaurants. You’re inside a giant wedge of cheese and you have to eat your way out. I call it TGI Parmesan.”
(Splinter pauses and looks sad.)
SPLINTER: “My sons think it’s stupid.”
(Meat Sweats is polishing a meat cleaver behind Splinter.)
MEAT SWEATS: “Sons? What must they be? Chatty opossums?”
SPLINTER: “No, no, no. Turtles.”
(Startled, Meat Sweats looks out the window and sees the Turtles approaching his food truck.)
MEAT SWEATS: “Turtles? Red, blue, orange, purple?”
SPLINTER: “Oh! You know their names!”
MEAT SWEATS: “Yes, and they’re right outside (menacing) and they’re looking delicious.”
(Splinter spits out his food in shock and gasps.)
SPLINTER: “What?! (coughs) We’ve gotta bone out! They cannot find out I took the tank!”
(Splinter grabs the giant mutant pig, throws him into the driver’s seat and starts buckling him in.)
MEAT SWEATS: (yelps) “What are you doing, you dotty old sod?!”
(Splinter hops down to the pedals.)
SPLINTER: “You steer, I will pedal.”
(Splinter pushes on the gas and the truck speeds off.)
[Trans. Ext. New York City empty lot; Night]
RAPH: “They’re getting away!”
(The Turtles watch as the truck zooms off. Donnie looks up at the tank.)
DONNIE: “Turtle tank time!”
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
(The food truck is careening through the streets and Meat Sweats is trying to not hit anything.)
MEAT SWEATS: (panicking) “Slow! Fast! Brake, brake, brake!”
[Trans. Ext. New York City; Night]
(The grocery man is trying to cross the street again with new groceries and he manages to just miss getting hit but his replacement groceries break on the ground as well, poor guy. The turtle tank pulls up behind the food truck and keeps on their tail.)
[Trans. Int. Turtle tank; Night]
DONNIE: “Now that autopilot is engaged, allow me to show you around my stand of the art Turtle Tank. Over there is navigation down here is a- wait for it - bowling ball launcher. Strike! And there is the-”
(Mikey is getting himself some ice cream.)
MIKEY: “Soft serve ice cream machine!? Tell me there’s a sprinkles cannon.”
DONNIE: “Ooh, Good one! Rainbow and chocolate.”
(The tank starts bumping into buildings. Inside, the turtles hold on to anything to keep balance.)
RAPH: “Donnie! Watch the road!”
DONNIE: “I wouldn’t need to if you would just take your seat…”
(Donnie grins smugly and pushes a button on his gauntlet. A big red chair comes down from the ceiling.)
DONNIE: “It’s the giant red one with your name and your exact lumber settings!”
RAPH: (hushed) “That’s beautiful.”
DONNIE: “Captain! The con is yours.”
(Donnie fist bumps with Raph, and then Raph takes the wheel and shifts it into high gear.)
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
MEAT SWEATS: “You took the tank from your son? Well, I've done some awful things in my life, but you? You’re an animal.”
SPLINTER: (darkly) “I am not taking the fall for this.”
MEAT SWEATS: “But what could he do to you?”
SPLINTER: “Purple is a monster! (whimpering) He will fry my TV so all I get is educational shows!”
(As the tanks pulls up beside the trunk, Donnie pokes his head out of the window and sees Splinter’s tail whack Meat Sweats in the face)
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank; Night]
DONNIE: (yelling) “I know you're in there! Dad, I can see your tail! (Splutters in anger) I –Agh!” (sweetly) Oh, Papa? If you surrender now, there shan't be any consequences.”
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
SPLINTER: (to Meat Sweats) “That is a lie. I taught him that one.”
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank; Night]
(Raph also pokes his head out of the tank’s window)
RAPH: (yells very loudly) “You’re with a very dangerous mutant, Pops! Meat Sweats just wants to eat you!”
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
SPLINTER: “Your name is Meat Sweats?!”
MEAT SWEATS: (awkwardly) “Well, actually it's Rupert…”
SPLINTER: (cringing) “Ohhh… I would stay with Meat Sweats.”
(Splinter pushes the gas down and Meat Sweats swerves the truck into the side of the tank, trying to push the Turtles off the road)
[Trans. Int. Turtle tank; Night]
(Raph is at the wheel again, chasing the food truck. The tank drifts around corners.)
RAPH: “We gotta stop that truck!”
(Donnie sits in the firing cockpit and a targeting headset comes down and fits over his eyes.)
DONNIE: “I’ll blast it with the boom cannons!”
(The targeting on the view screen locks onto the truck but before he can fire, Leo appears on Donnie’s virtual screen.)
LEO: “Donnie, Dad’s in that thing.”
(The targeting headset recedes back into ceiling.)
DONNIE: “Can I at least go semi-lethal?”
(Mikey, Raph and Leo grumble angrily at Donnie.)
DONNIE: “You never let me shine! Harpoon hooks it is.”
(Donnie launches harpoon hooks which strike the truck and pull their attaching chains taut. Leo and Mikey jump out and balance on the chains.)
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank; Night]
MIKEY: (yelling) “Okay Sweaty Spaghetti. Give us our dad back!”
[Trans. Int. Turtle tank; Night]
DONNIE: “Yeah, hand over the fugitive!”
[Trans. Int. Meat Sweats food truck; Night]
SPLINTER: “Don’t snitch me out, bro!”
(Meat Sweats goes to the back of truck and opens the rear doors.)
MEAT SWEATS: (to Mikey and Leo) “I don’t think so. You have a reservation in my stomach: a party of five, seating now.”
(Meat Sweats slams a button and the top of the truck parts in two and folds to the sides, exposing the cages of critters.)
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank and food truck; Night]
MIKEY: (excited) “Oooh~ is he finally gonna teach us how to make that pork risotto?”
(Meat Sweats takes a glove off and reveals his hands are actually tentacles.)
MEAT SWEATS: “Since I assume you won’t go down without a fight, allow me to choose my weapon!”
(With his tentacles, Meat Sweats begins to absorb a cobra snake’s energy as the reptile hisses and Meat Sweats laughs evilly.)
LEO: “He’s getting the mutant snake’s power!”
(Meat Sweats starts spitting green acid at Leo and Mikey, missing them and hitting the tank’s windshield.)
[Trans. Int. Turtle tank; Night]
RAPH: “Hey, watch out! It’s a spitting cobra!”
DONNIE: “Hey, watch the paint bucko!”
(Raph struggles to see out the window and the vehicles both swerve due to the chains keeping them together. Raph uses the windshield wipers to wipe away the acid.)
RAPH: “Donnie, what else you got in this thing?”
DONNIE: “Oh, I’ve been waiting to try this!”
(The hood pops open on the taxi cab mounted on top of the tank and reveals a bowling ball launcher that he mentioned earlier. Donnie presses the button and fires the bowling ball launcher)
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank and food truck; Night]
(The bowling ball hits Meat Sweats in the face, dazing him for a moment. Growling, Meat Sweats shakes it off and spits more acid at Leo and Mikey.)
LEO: “Oh no.”
MIKEY: “Ohmigosh!
(Leo and Mikey dodge the acid while balancing on the chains. The acid eats through the chains, which break and it sends Leo and Mikey flying and they land on the tank’s grill.)
LEO: (yelling) “Mikey, stop them!”
MIKEY: “Power whip-jitsu!”
(Mikey uses his kusari-fundō and fire shoots past Meat Sweats who squeals in surprise. Mikey’s weapon grabs onto the truck and he uses it and his own body to create a makeshift tether between the tank and the truck. Leo hops onto Mikey’s shoulders.)
LEO: “Come on, Meat Sweats, are you even trying?”
(Meat Sweats spits more acid as Leo struggles to make a portal.)
LEO: “Oh, come on, portal. Come on, portal.”
MIKEY: (yelling) “Come on, Leo! My armpits are getting tired!”
(Leo manages to make a portal just before the acid hits him.)
LEO: “Got it!”
(The exit portal appears behinds Meat Sweats and the acid is spit right back into his face as he turns around. He cries in pain.)
RAPH: “Let’s get him!”
(Meat Sweats covers his face and hits another button.)
MEAT SWEATS: “So long dinner! I'll just get takeaway!”
[Trans. Int. Turtle tank; Night]
(All the caged critters are released onto the road. Raph yelps in horror and slams on the brake, just managing to stop before he flattens the frozen animals. The animals squeal as they scurry off the road and Raph sighs in relief.)
[Trans. Ext. Turtle Tank and food truck; Night]
(Meat Sweats grabs Splinter by the front of his robes.)
MEAT SWEATS: “I’m done with you TGI Parmesan. No meal is worth this!”
[Trans. Ext. New York City; Night]
(Meat Sweats tosses Splinter out as he drives away. Splinter lands on the road with a grunt.)
SPLINTER: “Wait! Wait! DON'T LEAVE MEEEE!”
(Meat Sweats is already gone. Donnie walks up to Splinter and taps his foot angrily. Splinter chuckles nervously.)
DONNIE: (livid) “You! You reckless, irresponsible! You are watching the Science of Chairs channel for a month, young man, followed by the Long Division Channel and the Memorizing Pi channel! Spoiler alert, the 99th digit is 7!”
[END OF EPISODE]