The Case of the Killer Pizzas/Transcript

[Opening sequence and theme song.]

[Episode opens in Dimension X and scans across to the Technodrome.]

Krang "Shredder, since you are unable to eliminate the turtles by yourself, I am giving you the eggs you asked for."

Baxter Stockman "Oh, I've always wanted to study Dimension X wildlife at close range."

Rocksteady "These babies may look like meatballs, but once they hatch . . . ."

[Tosses three glowing meatballs to Bebop, who uses a tennis racket to bat them through the portal. Stockman runs and makes a diving catch.]

Stockman "No, you idiots."

Shredder "Good reflexes. We may make a ninja of you yet."

Rocksteady "I almost forgot. Here's the instructions."

[Shifts to Shredder and Stockman walking through the city.]

Stockman "But, master, how are we going to make sure that the turtles get these eggs?"

Shredder "We won't have to. The turtles will come to us."

Newsboy "Big pizza bake-off today. Free samples and neato prizes."

Shredder "Excuse me, young man, but I'll take those."

Stockman "Brochures? But why?"

Shredder "Watch."

[He throws the brochures he took and tosses them through a sewer grate.  Shredder then open the valve on a fire hydrant so that the water goes into the grate as well.]

Shredder "Once our turtle friends hear about free pizza, they'll fall right into our trap."

[Cut to the lair.]

Michelangelo "Okay, Donatello, I'm ready to get down with this machine of yours."

Donatello "You might be sorry you said that."

Splinter "I hope you studied your opponent well, Michelangelo."

Michelangelo "No sweat, Splinter. The day I can't kick butt on some washing machine is the day I hang up my nun~chucks aahh!"

[Raphael throws a sai and unplugs the machine.]

Splinter "Excellent strategy, Raphael. Sometimes sabotaging an enemy's line of supply is more effective than a frontal attack."

Raphael "Thank you, Sensei. I've always been great against household appliances."

Michelangelo "Surf's up! Cowabunga!"

Leonardo "What are these things?"

Raphael "Yuck! It’s the attack of the clinging handbills."

Michelangelo "Tube-uloso, dudes. Check this out. Big pizza bake-off. Free samples and deluxe pizza prizes."

Splinter "Permit me. My intuition confirms my suspicions. This pattern of slash marks could only have been made by the prongs on Shredder's gauntlets."

Leonardo "Then the bake-off could be a trap!"

Splinter "Precisely."

Michelangelo "Fabuloso. A couple of rounds with tinface oughta work up an appetite for those free pizzas."

Splinter "Take care, Michelangelo. Shredder is a far more dangerous opponent than a mere washing machine."

[Scene shift to the pizza bake-off, held outside in a city neighborhood.]

April O'Neil "Wow! Would the turtles love this!"

Irma "April, why don't you forget about those turtles and start thinking about real live men?"

April "You mean, like your last date with that accordion player?"

Irma "Forget him. His mustache weighed more than his brain."

Leonardo "Psst! April! It's us."

April "Are you crazy? You shouldn't be seen in public like this!"

Alfredo "Irma, dolce mia, it is I, Alfredo."

Irma "Oh, no! It's him! It's – ciao!"

April "Alfredo? The mustache!"

Alfredo "Irma, mi amore. Wait! That Irma. We could make such beautiful music together."

April "This sounds serious. I think it's time you met the family."

Alfredo "Oh, I would be most honored."

April "Then shake hands with papa Leonardo, uncle Donatello, cousin Raphael, and auntie Michelangelo."

Alfredo "Our bambino will be green? Arrivederci."

April "Thanks for the good deed, guys. How can I repay you?"

Raphael "Well, you could get us about fifty pounds of those free samples."

Michelangelo "And enter our names for those primo prize pizzas."

April "Sure thing, guys."

Leonardo "Any sign of Shredder? I just know he's here somewhere."

Donatello "I can practically smell him."

Michelangelo "I smell something better. Pizzas!"

Stockman "Master Shredder, the pizza prizes have arrived."

Shredder "Hurry, you fool. It's time to add the secret ingredient."

Stockman "Ah. Truly a work of art."

[Places a special meatball on three separate pizzas.]

Announcer "And now the moment we've all been waiting for, the drawing for three deluxe pizzas. And here's a volunteer to help us, Mr. Baxter Stockman."

Leonardo "Baxter Stockman?"

Raphael "And where there's Baxter, there's bound to be . . . ."

Donatello "Shredder!"

Raphael "Let's get the tinfaced geek!"

Michelangelo "Cowabunga!"

[The turtles begin chasing Shredder. Scene cuts to interior of UFO Pizza.]

Manager "All right, got it. Two deluxe pizzas to go. Ah, you heard it, Mario. Two deluxe to this address here."

Mario "But, boss, we don't have any deluxe left."

Manager "Well, take them from the table outside then. I'll make some more for the drawing."

Donatello "Gangway, folks. Emergency!"

Leonardo "Excuse us. Coming through."

Donatello "There he goes into the kitchen."

Raphael "Pump up the volume, guys. We got him cornered."

Michelangelo "Oh, wow! Pizza heaven!"

Donatello "Never mind that. We got some ninja-ing to do."

Raphael "Give it up, Shredder. You're history."

Shredder "We'll see about that, mutants."

Michelangelo "Whoa, how about that? Saved by the shell!"

Donatello "Hey, Shredder, shred your way out of this."

Shredder "Gladly. Have a dough-net."

Raphael "Quick, Donatello, some tomato sauce."

Donatello "One order of tomato sauce coming up."

Michelangelo "All right, chump. And now for the finishing touch."

Shredder "No, no! Not that! I hate anchovies. Oh! Oh, those turtles! They'll pay dearly for this."

Announcer "And now the drawing will begin. Professor, will you do the honors?"

Stockman "Gladly. And the winners are Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo."

Leonardo "April O'Neil, in appreciation for your services to pizza lovers everywhere, we'd like to present you with this . . . ."

Michelangelo "One slice."

Leonardo "Michelangelo."

Michelangelo "Er, I mean, one pizza."

April "Why, thank you, boys. Irma and I can eat this at her place."

Michelangelo "Uh, what's the address?"

[Shift to Irma’s apartment. Irma places the pizza into the microwave.]

Irma "There. It should be warmed up in a minute."

April "What on earth was that?"

Irma "Probably just a short circuit. You know how these old buildings are."

[Inside the microwave, the meatball egg hatches into a little glowing red creature.]

Irma "Guess this is as close as I'm ever gonna get to having a romantic dinner for two."

[The creature devours the pizza.]

April "Now, Irma, I'm sure one day you'll hear wedding bells."

Irma "Well, until then I'll just have to settle for a microwave bell. Wow! Is this pizza heavy!"

April "What is this?"

[Irma faints at the sight of the creature. Cut to April talking to the turtles on a cordless phone.]

April "And when we opened the pizza box, this horrible little creature jumped out."

Leonardo "We'll be right there, April. Quick, guys. April's under attack by some weird creature."

Donatello "What are we waiting for? Let's peel rubber!"

Leonardo "Okay. Where's this killer pizza?"

April "It's not the pizza. It's the creature that came with the pizza."

Raphael "Hey, sounds like a great title for a horror movie."

Donatello "I'll get him."

Turtles "No. I got him. Here! I got him."

Donatello "April, what is going on?"

April "It just sort of hatched in the microwave and then it ate the pizza."

Michelangelo "Sounds like my kind of creature."

Raphael "Playtime's over, hot stuff."

Leonardo "How come we didn't get any monsters with our pizzas?"

April "Maybe because yours were replacements. Ours was the only original prize pizza."

Michelangelo "Uh, dudes, you smell something?"

Leonardo "Oh, no! The rug's burning!"

Raphael "Where'd he go?"

Leonardo "Looks like he got clean away. April, what happened to the original pizzas that ours replaced?"

April "A delivery boy from UFO Pizza took them to fill an order."

Donatello "Which means there could be two more of these little monsters?"

Leonardo "We've gotta stop that kid from delivering them!"

Raphael "If it isn't history by now."

Irma "I heard voices. Was that . . . ."

April "No time to explain, Irma. You'll see it all on the happy hour news!"

[Scene shifts to the turtles flying above the city on the Turtle Blimp.]

Raphael "Bingo. I found our delivery boy."

Michelangelo "And he's hauling the killer pizzas."

Leonardo "Then let's cut him off at the pass."

April "Follow that blimp, Vernon. Don't let it out of your sight."

Vernon Fenwick "Must you be a back-seat driver?"

Leonardo "It stopped at the penthouse."

Mario "Your deluxe."

Little Boy "Yippie! Our pizzas!"

Little Girl "They're probably cold. Let's heat them in the microwave."

Leonardo "There's an open window. Turtle assault team, are you ready?"

Turtles "Turtle power!"

Donatello "Wait, kids. Don't open those boxes!"

Little Boy "Why should we listen to you? You're nothing but a bunch of turtles."

Little Girl "And that's even lower than baby-sitters."

Little Boy "Yeah. If you want pizzas, go get your own."

Vern "I just hope this isn't another one of your wild turtle chases."

April "Trust me, Vernon. This will be the story of the year."

[As April and her team step into the elevator, the scene cuts back to the apartment. Two pizza creatures are standing in their boxes and the kids are screaming.]

Leonardo "Go, guys! Let's get them! You're not getting away this time."

April "This is April O'Neil with the happy hour news, and we are about to bring you exclusive coverage of an extremely bizarre event."

Vern "Look!"

April "It's the creatures!"

Vern "Uh, you go ahead. I'll cover my rear-- uh, the rear."

April "Oh, Vernon. Hurry, Vernon! The creatures are getting away."

Vern "Oh, dear. What a pity."

April "If you should see these creatures, call the police. This is April O'Neil for Channel 6 news. Have a nice day."

[Cut to Irma, watching the broadcast on her television.]

Irma "I sure will, now that I know that other little monster is gone. What is this, Creature Two, the sequel? Come back here, you!"

[Irma chases the creature downstairs. It enters the laundry room and leaps into a dryer.]

Irma "Ah! I gotcha now. Slippery little devil, aren't you?"

[When she looks inside the dryer, she sees a hole has been burned in the back, which goes into the tunnels. Irma climbs in after it.]

Irma "Oh, great. Now I'm in the sewer system."

[The creature leaps into the water and begins to grow. Cut to the turtles, who are searching the tunnels.]

Donatello "The creatures' footprints stop here. Looks like they jumped In the river."

Michelangelo "I hope it wasn't To take a bath. Whoa, yuck-o!"

April "The pawprints lead right into the clothes dryer. You wanna go first, or should I?"

Vern "Me? Do I look like I wear wash-and-wear suits?"

April "Oh, hurry up, Vernon! We don't want to lose it!"

Vern "Speak for yourself."

Irma "Yoo-hoo! April!"

April "Irma!"

Irma "Thank goodness you're here. I was getting so frightened."

April "Don't worry. Now that we're all together, there's nothing to be frightened of."

Irma "And then it burned right through my wall and ran off."

April "There's something really strange going on here."

Vern "Oh, ridiculous. Worrying about some harmless, furry little creature."

Michelangelo "Yo, dudes, no creatures, but we have turned up a couple of weasels."

Stockman "According to the instructions, turning this knob should summon the creatures."

Shredder "And by activating this switch, we can send them against the turtles."

Donatello "Try it, bozo! We can handle anything you can throw at us."

Raphael "Or do you think we're scared Of those pizza-eating powder puffs?"

Leonardo "Uh, Raphael."

Raphael "We're shaking in our shells, aren't we, guys?"

Michelangelo "Eh, now that you mention it . . . ."

Raphael "Whoa! What are those?"

Shredder "Our cute little pizza-eating powder puffs. Baxter, contact Krang. I'm certain he'll enjoy this."

Stockman "Yes, Master."

Leonardo "Looks like this one could use a manicure."

Krang "Splendid. The creatures have reached their full growth. How delightful."

Bebop "Will ya look at that thing!"

Rocksteady "Looks just like one Of your old girlfriends, only prettier."

Donatello "Oh, thanks, Raphael. I owe you one."

Raphael "You owe me six, but who's counting?"

Donatello "Watch this! Now you see it, now you don't."

Michelangelo "Radical concept, dude."

Irma "April, I-I j-j-just found what we're looking for."

April "Why do you sound so upset?"

Irma "B-b-because it also found us."

Vern "That Irma! You just can't take her anywhere."

Stockman "That's it, my pets. Do your worst."

Donatello "Ah! Forget it, Baxter.
[Knocks the controller from his hand.]

You just lost control.

Michelangelo "Megamove, Donatello."

Shredder "You fools! Now the creatures are out of control!"

Rocksteady "Hey, you guys, don't go. We wanna watch."

Shredder "Baxter, you idiot. Look at those instructions. There must be something we can do."

Stockman "Yes, Master. Ergo, if we zap the creatures with an even larger burst of energy – eah!"

Shredder "They'll turn back into eggs again."

Donatello "Burn rubber, guys! Maybe we can outrun them!"

Michelangelo "Holy guacamole!"

Donatello "What is that?"

Leonardo "Whatever it is, we'll go down fighting! April!"

April "Boy, am I glad to see you fellas!"

Raphael "Are you alone?"

April "I am now, thanks to Irma's fainting and Vernon's chickening out."

Michelangelo "Like, what is this-- A b.y.o.m. party?"

April "B.y.o.m.?"

Michelangelo "Bring your own monster."

Leonardo "Uh-oh, guys. We're surrounded."

Raphael "And Mr. Home-run Slugger here had to go bat the controller into the water."

Donatello "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Michelangelo "No problemo, dudes. I'll scoop it out. Cowabunga!"

[Michelangelo dives into the water.]

Raphael "Now what?"

Leonardo "We better go back and help Shredder and Baxter."

Donatello "Are you out of your gourd? They're the bad guys, Remember?"

Leonardo "As Splinter says, sometimes one must make a pact with evil in order to accomplish good."

Raphael "You know, I don't remember him saying that."

Leonardo "Well, he would have, if he'd ever thought about it."

Shredder "Back! Back, you swine! Back, I say!"

Donatello "Ta-da!"

Raphael "Mind if we join you? What are you mutants doing here?"

Leonardo "I never thought I'd say this, Shredder, but we're on the same side."

Raphael "Try again, sucker!"

Shredder "You fool! I had him right where I wanted him."

Raphael "Sure, you did. Guys! Help!"

Leonardo "Hold on, Raphael. We'll save you."

Raphael "Guys, this could be the last sewer we'll ever get to enjoy."

Leonardo "At least we'll go down fighting with honor -- like real turtles."

Donatello "Personally, I'd rather go on living -- as a mock turtle."

Michelangelo "I found it! Is that fabuloso, or what? Yoo-hoo, humongoids. Mellow out, you guys."

Raphael "Way to go, Michelangelo! Give 'em another blast."

Michelangelo "I can't! The batteries must've gotten wet!"

Leonardo "Look, guys! We still got a chance. Those are electrical power lines."

Raphael "So what?"

Leonardo "So that gives me an idea. Watch."

[He leaps over a creature and cuts the power line. One of the live lines hits a puddle of water, zapping the creatures and turning them back into eggs.]

Raphael "How'd you do that?"

Leonardo "Simple. I remembered Baxter saying that a large charge of energy could reverse the growing process."

Donatello "Boy, it's a good thing you did. Those creatures nearly stopped our growing process."

Raphael "Speaking of Baxter, where is that geek?"

April "There he goes, and Shredder's with him."

Shredder "You mutants may have won this round, but there will be others."

Stockman "That's right. There will be others."

Shredder "Will you shut up?"

[Scene returns to the lair.]

Splinter "I hope this experience has taught all of you a valuable lesson."

Donatello "Well, it sure has, Splinter. Like, there's no such thing as a free lunch."

Raphael "Or, in this case, a free pizza."

Michelangelo "Hey, speaking of pizza, I just whipped together a Michelangelo Special."

April "Oh, no! Not more meatballs!"

Michelangelo "Ha, ha. Not to worry, April. These aren't the kind that turn into creatures. I got those right here. Or was it here?"

Others "Oh, no! No, no. Oh, no!"

[End Credits]

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