Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids.

Page 1

Pigeon Pete "Here's what I'm saying. You have regular Null Cola. Okay? Then you also have cherry cola. And lemon cola. And vanilla cola. What do they have in common?"

Pete "Cherry. Lemon. Vanilla. All fruits!"

Lindsey Baker "Pete, vanilla isn't—"

Pete "But what's the best fruit?"

Lindsey "Hmm. That's pretty subjective. It depends on personal taste, cultural background, exposure to—"

Pete "Right! Blueberries! So why isn't there a blueberry cola?!"

Lindsey "I... I don't know, Pete."

Pete "Doesn't know... Why there's no... Blueberry cola..."

Lindsey "Uh, Pete? What are you doing?"

Pete "Writing down what you're saying, you know, for Hob."

Lindsey "Are you kidding me? It's bad enough Hob doesn't let me leave headquarters without a chaperone, but he also tells you to spy on me?"

Lindsey "I understand why he wouldn't trust me at first, but haven't I earned it by now?"

Pete "Don't be crazy! All Hob said was, "Go with Lindsey, and report back on everything she says and does." Nothing about spying on you!"

Lindsey "Pete, you literally just described..."

Lindsey "You know what? Never mind."

Page 2

Lindsey "Pete!"

Lindsey "Hob! It's Lindsey! We're being attacked! Three men! They have a van, license plate number—"


Page 3

Pete "Stop, drop and roll! We don't know where the bullet will come down!"

Man A "That's not the bullet you need to worry about."

Meiring "Knock it off! We can't kill him."

Man A "Why not? We're here for the girl."

Meiring "Yeah, and this thing's a bonus. A bona fide mutant!"

Man C "The boss'll want to see him. Maybe even vivisect him."

Pete "Sounds good to me!"

Page 4

Slash "Hey, Pete, we're back!"

Mondo Gecko "That was a lot of Foot Ninjas we just fought. Like, a lot of Foot Ninjas."

Herman the Hermit Crab "Yes. We prevailed against overwhelming odds."

Herman "We should all be proud."

Slash "Any of you guys seen Pete? Or Lindsey?"

Old Hob "They probably got sidetracked on their supply run, Pete saw an ice cream truck, or—"

Lindsey (recording) >Hob!<

Lindsey (r) >It's Lindsey!<

Lindsey (r) >We're being attacked!<

Lindsey (r) >Three men!<

Lindsey (r) >They have a van, license plate number—<


Page 5

Hob "Let's go, Mutanimals!"

Slash "Go where? That's not exactly a lot of information to—"

Hob "Ah, come on... Where the hell are you, you stupid piece of..."

Hob "Here it is! I planted a tracking device on Pete, weeks ago."

Hob "After the Bebop and Rocksteady incident*, it just seemed like a good idea."

[*See TMNT #39 - ED.]

Mondo "Wait a minute, bro. You don't have, like... Tracking devices on all of us, do you?"

Hob "No, of course not."

Hob "You're just being paranoid."

Page 6

Lindsey "Jillian?"

Pete "Hi, I'm—wait, you guys know each other?"

Lindsey "We used to work together."

Lindsey "And she's my ex-girlfriend."

Jillian Amante "Hey, Lindsey. Don't be mad, okay? I want to show you my new lab, and maybe offer you a job? So I asked my employer to track you down."

Jillian "And when I saw what a mess youw ere in, I thought, hey, she needs help, I need help, maybe we can kill two birds with one stone."

Jillian "Not that we kill birds here! But, come inside, and we can talk more about—"

Lindsey "Wait, I—I'm being kidnapped for a job? Again?"

Lindsey "Doesn't anyone just post a help-wanted ad anymore?"

Lindsey "And what are you going to do about him?"

Lindsey "We'll drop him off. Right back where we found him, no harm done!"

Lindsey "Good. Fine."

Jillian ··Take him to the rail yard.··

Page 7

Lindsey "How did you do all this, Jillian?"

Jillian "So, I work for a subsidiary of the Null Group."

Jillian "You know, the corporate conglomerate that makes, like... Pretty much everything?"

Jillian "We managed to successfully create some mutants."

Jillian "But now we're trying to combine DNA types. Create the ultimate mutant."

Lindsey "Combining mutant types! Can I see them?"

Jillian "Well, I mean... There aren't any mutants here right now. We've hit a wall."

Jillian "That's kind of where I was hoping you'd come in?"

Lindsey "Wait, but—where did you get the mutagen? There isn't much left. The old StockGen supply. Burnow Island. The Foot Clan."

Jillian "Bingo! I mean, you really think the Foot Clan could make mutants on their own? No way. So they outsourced it to us."

Lindsey "You're working for the Foot Clan?"

Jillian "Hey, you want to compare notes? You're the one who's hanging out with mutant terrorists. And helping them make more mutant terrorists."

Jillian "Besides, all this political stuff is like 18 levels of bureaucracy above me. My job is to run a lab for a Fortune 100 company, and pull in totally kickass salary and benefits for doing it."

Jillian "It's a good deal, Lindsey. So, come on! Come work with me."

Lindsey "Jillian, we've never worked well together. Personally or professionally. You were just too... Too much."

Jillian "Weird and dangerous, from what I've heard."

Lindsey "The thing I have going now? It's weird. But..."

Lindsey "I... Okay. You have a point."

Jillian "So you're in?"

Lindsey "No. But I'm still listening."

Page 8

Slash "That's it."

Hob "You're sure?"

Slash "I'm sure. Pigeon Pete is in that van."

Hob "All right, Herman. Let's bust him loose."

Herman "Sir, yes, sir!"

Herman "C'mon, Pete!"

Pete "That's kind of a long ways, I think?"

Pete "Maybe I could ask these guys to slow down a little, or take a practice jump, or—"

Herman "You're a pigeon! Don't jump, soldier! Fly!"

Page 9

Pete "Hey! I can fly! I can—"

Pete "—Never mind! I can't fly! I can't fly!"

Boy "Hey, mister! Are you all right?"

Pete "Hi... I'm Pete."

Page 10

Mondo "Shouldn't we, like, stop and help him?"

Hob "Nah. He's all right."

Hob "And these guys don't get to escape."

Slash "Watch out for those civilians!"

Hob "There are no civilians."


Page 11

Hob "Hey, buddy. I don't want to hurt you. Well, that's a lie. But I won't hurt you, if you tell me where Lindsey Baker is."

Man "I—I don't know anything about any of that—"

Hob "Mondo. Search his pockets."

Hob "I get it. It's hard, trusting strangers."

Hob "Good to meet you, Mr. Meiring, of Hempstead, New York."

Mondo "Nice-looking family."

Hob "Dog family."

Hob "So. Now that we know each other a little better..."

Hob "...You want to talk before I rip your throat out?"

Page 12

Lindsey "Is this—"

Jillian "The mutagenic filter you were developing at StockGen! I'm continuing your work, Lindsey. Our work."

Lindsey "I have to admit, this all feels a bit—"

Jillian "Like coming home?"

Lindsey "Disquieting. I was going to say, disquieting."

Lindsey "But yes, I suppose it does feel like coming home. In a disquieting sort of—"

Hob "We're here to rescue you, Lindsey."

Pete "Like they rescued me!"

Hob "Wait..."

Hob "...What is this place?"

Page 13

Jillian "It's just a lab. Okay? And it's private property. So you need to—"

Hob "No. I've been in places like this. It's not a lab."

Hob "It's a torture chamber."

Page 14

Hob "Where are the mutants?"

Jillian "I—not here! They're not here!"

Hob "All this equipment, and not a single test subject?"

Hob "I don't believe you."

Hob "Find the mutants!"

Hob "And then kill every damned scientist in this place."

Lindsey "You should run."

Jillian "Well, yeah."

Jillian "Come with me, Lindsey."

Lindsey "No. Just get out of here, Jillian."

Jillian "Fine! Don't trust me."

Jillian "Trust the mutants who are on a warpath through my lab."

Page 15


Lindsey "Dammit, Jillian. Always making things complicated."

Mondo "Where's that scientist boss-lady, Lindsey?"

Mondo "Where'd she go?"

Lindsey "She went that way... The back of the lab. I—I think there's an exit, back there."

Hob "Tear it all down!"

Page 16

Lindsey "Jillian, wait! I'm coming with you."

Jillian "I totally knew you would. I mean, you're not an idiot!"

Lindsey "What are you doing?"

Jillian "I'm calling my boss! So they can send in the cavalry, or whatever."

Lindsey "Couldn't we wait a couple more minutes? Give them a time to clear out?"

Jillian "I—jeez, Lindsey. They're attacking the lab."

Lindsey "I understand that, but—"

Jillian "Our lab. You're either with me or you're not. Right?"


Receptionist "Attacked?"

Receptionist "Attacked by what?"

Receptionist "Oh. Oh... I see. Yes, of course."

Receptionist "I'll inform the CEO."

Page 17

Pete "Another empty one!"

Pete "But I'll check under the bed."

Hob "This one's locked. None of the other ones were locked."

Page 18

Mondo "What... What is this, dude?"

Slash "This is a mutant. "The Mutagen Man." A hybrid of... Dozens of animal types, if I'm reading this right."

Slash "But a mutant."

Slash "Just like us."

Page 19

Hob "Don't worry, pal."

Hob "We're here to save you."

Herman "Come on, men. Let's help him out of bed."



Mondo "So, how does this suit work? Can you walk on your own?"

Mutagen Man "Why would I need to walk?"

Mutagen Man "You said you're here to save me."

Mutagen Man "So save me."

Page 20

Hob "I... That's not what I—"

Herman "You misunderstand. This is an extraction mission."

Herman "On your feet, soldier!"

Hob "Get him in the van! The rest of us are gonna torch this place!"

Mondo "Hey, uh, Hob?"

Mondo "I'm thinking these dudes might not like that plan."

Page 21

Herman "That's quite a heavy force. A strategic retreat might be in order, sir."

Hob "And leave this lab standing? I don't think so."

Slash "We can come back and torch this place tomorrow, boss. We have a bigger priority, now."

Hob "You're right. Let's get him to safety."

Page 22

Security Guard "Hold your fire, boss's orders, they've got precious cargo."

Hob "All right."

Hob "..."

Hob "We've got ourselves a war."

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