Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids.

Page 1

[Darius Dun peers into the prison dimension where he had been holding the teenage mutant ninja turtles, only to find them... Gone.]

Darius Dun "How?!"

Darius "How is this possible?"

[He isn't pleased.]

Bronson "How is what possible, Darius?"

Darius "The rat's family—the accursed mutant mutant turtles—I decided to peer into the dimension in which they were supposed to be imprisoned, only to find no sign of them!"

Darius "I ask again—how?!"

Bronson "Things like this happen, Darius. The only certainty is uncertainty."

Bronson "But you need to calm down. I told you that there would be a cost to summoning the Collectors, and this agitation is clearly the start of it."

Darius "Don't patronize me, Bronson."

Bronson "I'm not! I'm not. Intensely negative vibes just have more consequences here than they do in the physical world is all."

Bronson "Trust the Collectors. They're very sensitive to their prison dimension. They'll be searching for these turtles you lost—"

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"—And then they'll capture them for sure."

Dan Welker "Good job, boys—we bagged it before it could hurt that young turtle!"

Dan "Now, quick! Someone incapacitate this thing for transport!"

Michelangelo "Pete! Are you okay, dude?"

Peter Venkman "Well, no."

"I've got it, Danny—one order of incapacitating gel, coming up!"


Peter "What the—oh, geez, this is how bad fanfics start..."

Harold LaMarche "Ugh. What a time for Ernie to be out sick... It's so heavy."

Mikey "You guys don't understand—he's not, like, an entity!"

Dan "He might not look like one, but he's clearly some kind of alien hellbeast."

Dan "We'll consult with City Hall, and then we'll atomize him and store him safely."

Dan "No need to thank us."

Dan "Okay, boys, let's go!"

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Mikey "I could take them out. Just knock 'em silly and free Peter."

Mikey "It'd be a snap."

Mikey "I mean, dude, I can't get away without him. And those monsters are gonna come after me sooner thank later... So it's logical, right?"

Mikey "But these guys are just, like, innocent bystanders."

Mikey "I'm trained to be invisible, so maybe I should try being sneaky—pull off a rescue without having to hurt anyone."

Mikey "Yeah."

Mikey "That's what I'll do."

Mikey "And, hey, maybe Pete can explain why I'm saying all this stuff out loud..."

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Peter "Well, this is perfect."

Mikey ··Psst. Dude!··

Peter "Dah! How did you—"

Mikey ··Shhh. I'm a ninja, remember?··

Mikey ··It's what I do!··

Mikey "Now let me just get you out of here—"

Mikey "Man, what is this stuff?"

Peter "Dunno, kid. Smells a little like rubber cement. Reminds me of the time I dated a woman who was addicted to scrapbooking."


Mikey "Uh-oh."

Bill Music "It's the kid from the park! He must've been compromised by this thing after all."

Harold "Well, Bill, there's nothing for it..."

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Harold "—We'll have to take him down!"

Harold "Bill! You're wrecking the lab!"

Bill "It's not me, Harold, it's him!"

Bill "He's flipping around like a monkey, not a turtle!"

Mikey "That's it! I am so tired of getting shot at!"

Mikey "Time to get extreme."

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Ray Stantz's body (Gjenganger) "Yes! A good hit—"

Raphael's body (Gjenganger) "—But you didn't pierce my shield, Nils!"

Raph's ghost "Wait—"

Raph's ghost "—That's me?!"

Ray's ghost "Oh, good—you've regained lucidity."

Ray's ghost "I'd say consciousness, but, hey, when one finds themselves in a forced out-of-body experience, and consciousness is the entirety of their existence, well, things get relative real quick."

Raph's ghost "The heck's goin' on here, Ray?"

Ray's ghost "Well, in short... We were set upon by a group of Gjenganger."

Raph's ghost "Yen what?"

Ray's ghost "Viking ghosts."

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Ray's ghost "We bumbled into an afterlife, and they hijacked our bodies in order to experience the sensation of physical combat again."

Ray's ghost "At least that's what I was able to piece together through observation."

Ray's ghost "But now that I know that the essential core of your personality survived intact, we can get down to resolving this..."

Ray's ghost "Attention, otherdimensional Scandinavian beings!"

Ray's body "?!"

Raph's ghost "They speak English?"

Ray's ghost "It's complicated. We're not actually speaking. No vocal chords."

Ray's ghost "I'll explain later."

Ray's ghost "My name is Ray Stantz. My terrapin-like companion is Raphael."

Ray's ghost "We admit to intruding upon this dimension and apologize if the aggressive display you may have witnessed shortly after our arrival has caused you to usurp our physical forms in the name of defense and self-preservation."

Ray's ghost "However, we will have to insist that you return to us what is ours so that we can be on our way."

Ray's ghost "Thank you."

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Raph's ghost "You're an idiot, you know that? You don't just ask a thief to give you your stuff back—"

Raph's ghost "—You gotta take it back!"

Raph's body "Bah. These bodies are ours."


Raph's ghost "What the—"

Ray's ghost "Possessing entities are, well, they're possessive."

Ray's ghost "Lacking access to my ghostbusting equipment as I am, I was kinda hoping they'd respond to a show of bravado and abandon our bodies on their own."

Ray's ghost "No such luck."

Ray's ghost "Raph, I'm going to need you to trust me."

Ray's ghost "Push all the fight you have into the forefront of your conscious mind—"

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Ray's ghost "—And use it like a battering ram!"


Ray's body (Ray & Raph's ghosts) "It worked!"

Ray's body "You call this workin'? Two of us in one body? How do we get mine back?"

Ray's body "Well, now that I have access to my proton pack, I figured that I'd—that I'd..."

Ray's body "Pay attention, Ray!"

Ray's body "I'm sorry, I just—for a second there, my mind wandered to one of your memories and... Do you really feel that lonely? Even around your family?"

Ray's body "Keep outta my business, Ray."

Ray's body "Now—since there's no way I'm gonna let you shoot at my pretty face with yer freakin' laser gun..."

Ray's body "...I'm gonna need you to let me drive for a bit, and hope your joints ain't as old as you look."

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24 HR D[...]

Egon Spengler "I do wish we hadn't had to come all the way out to Red Hook to test these weapons prototypes—"

Egon "—But the enclosure we built for Peter's fantasy camp is the only safe place to do so."

Donnie "Relax, Egon. I know we're in a crunch, but it only took 20 minutes to get here."

Donnie "We gotta keep our heads clear. No time for stress."

Egon "A lot can happen in 20 minutes, Donatello."

Donnie "You're telling me. Still, better safe than—"

Donnie "—Wait. "Fantasy camp?" "

Donnie "You built this for a fantasy camp?!"

Egon "Yes. "Ghostbusters 101." "

Egon "Just be careful. The glass can handle a lot of psychokinetic activity, but it may not be able to withstand much from your fully powered proton weapons."

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Donnie "Talk to me, Egon. What was it like, for you, um, being dead?"

Donnie "Scientifically speaking."

Egon "Are you sure you wouldn't rather focus on the matter at hand?"

Donnie "My brothers and I like to talk when we fight. I find it comforting, myself."

Donnie "And this thing is terrifying, so please, humor me."

Egon "I'm happy to provide you with copies of all the tests we took upon my return... Beyond that, there really isn't much to tell."

Egon "There was a feeling of peace. I was able to fully focus on my thoughts."

Egon "You, however—you said your spirit was in two places at once? I'm more interested in that."

Donnie "I don't believe that—whoop!"

Donnie "Yeah, I was... Mortally wounded. My consciousness was placed in a robot shell for a while. I was there, and I wasn't."

Donnie "It's kinda like a dream. Sometimes it's clear..."

Donnie "...Sometimes it's fuzzy."


Donnie "Hey, look at that! It worked!"

Donnie "I hit him!"

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Donnie "Oops. Sorry."

Donnie "No sense in dragging this out. I'm satisfied with the weapon's performance—it managed to tag something that becomes intangible at will. Time to test our other prototype."

Donnie "But don't think I'm letting you off the hook about the death thing. I know there's more to it, and I want to hear about it."



Donnie "C'mon..."

Page 13

Donnie "We may have miscalculated on the power we needed!"

Egon "We can still fix it. That entity can't escape from the ionized glass. Just turn off the gate before anything can come through!"

Donnie "Way ahead of you. Are you going to come trap this thing now, or—"

Egon "Oops. I forgot."

Egon "For safety's sake, the door to the enclosure is locked to keep any active ghosts contained."

Egon "I can get inside, but it will take me a moment to properly override the locking mechnism. Can you stall."

Donnie "How could you forget that, man?"

Donnie "What's wrong with you?!"

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Egon "You're sounding like Winston again. Don't let yourself drift. Focus."

Egon "Tell me again about how you felt in two bodies."

Donnie "With Metalhead—the robot body my brain was conscious in—it was me. But it wasn't me."

Donnie "My own body was hollow. But part of me felt warm."

Donnie "And I remember being in a garden."

Egon "A garden?"

Donnie "I don't know."

Donnie "It all felt like one of those dreams where you wake up and everything is normal and you do what you do and then wake up to find out your perfectly normal day was a dream."

Donnie "It's weird in a way I can't talk about with the others, even though we know from weird."

Donnie "You know?"

Egon "Got it!"

Egon "And by that, I mean that I got the door unlocked and also understand what you mean..."

Egon "...About weirdness."

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Egon "Well, it was good we tested this first. We'll need to boost the power considerably."

Egon "Your proton-powered staff, however, was a complete success."

Egon "Ahem."

Egon "Do you ever feel guilty about coming back?"

Donnie "I shouldn't. But, yeah. I've read about survivor's guilt, but it's not like that."

Egon "No, it's not."

Egon "We'd... Best get back to the Firehouse. There's no time to lose."

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Leo "Sounds like the fighting has died down a little."

Winston "And the portal remote is recharged. You ready to get out of here?"

Leo "Yeah. I am."

Winston "Then let's—"



Winston "—The hell?!"

Punk Frog A "Well, well, well. This sure looks important, don't it!"

Punk Frog A "And important means someone might want to buy it and work it on into their battle bots."

Punk Frog A "This might be my lucky day!"

Leo "Hey, give that back!"

Winston "Man, why couldn't it just be ghosts? Or robots? I don't wanna—"

Winston "—Shoot. He's running!"

Punk Frog A "You want this back, you're gonna have to catch me!"

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Winston "Man, I am getting too old for this running business."

Leo "Maybe you should reconsider shooting him."

Winston "Mmmm... Better not. Can't risk him droppin' that piece, man. We'd be stuck here."

Winston "Hang on, now—look."

Winston "What's this about?"

Winston "All right, then. Just hand over what you stole, and we all walk away."

Leo "Do you find it weird that everything always speaks English?"

Winston "Naw, I just roll with it. At this point, I don't need the extra headache."

Punk Frog A "Well, look at that! You caught me!"

Punk Frog A "Really is my lucky day."

Punk Frog A "Now I can introduce you to my brothers and we can take all you got to take, not just this fancy little wrist thing!"

Punk Frog B "Let's have that backpack, human."

Punk Frog C "And any other tech you got."

Punk Frog D "We'll take those fancy swords, too, shellback."

Leo "You can try."

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Punk Frog A "Fine! We love doing it the hard way!"

Punk Frog A "Get 'em, guys!"

Punk Frog D "Hyah—huh?"


Punk Frog D "Hey! That was brand new!"


Leo "Too bad."


Leo "Winston, I'll be done with these two in a second if you need any help..."

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Winston "No thanks, man. Did some boxing as a kid—these frogs got nothing."

Winston "There's no visible training in their fight stances. My guess is they're just poor street fighters who rely on intimidation and superior numbers."

Leo "So you're saying you didn't need a hand? And here I just picked one up."

Winston "You got jokes too now, huh?"

Leo "And you were talking like Donnie again."

Winston "Was I? Man."

Punk Frog A "I'm sorry! I'm sorry—I thought you were marks!"

Punk Frog A "Look, here's your thing. I'll trade you back for my brother's arm?"

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Leo "...I think it might be too late."

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