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 HEY, KID, YOU'RE 
 A LONG WAY 
 FROM NICKTOONS! 

Some TMNT stuff was always meant for grownups.

Frontispiece

(Leonardo fighting with Leatherhead)

[My name's Leonardo.]

[Not too many things amaze me and I'm surprised by even less. Fewer still are the things that weird me out.]

[Time travel, though, takes the cake.]

[Alternate pasts, potential futures, temporal destabilization, chrono-paradigmatic anomalies, anachronisms... The contemplation of any of which is more than enough to make my brain freeze up.]

[And all of which is nothing compared to meeting yourself.]

[Let me tell you a story...]

Page 1

Teen Leo "Dude, you better pray that you didn't kill crabby Leo!"

Teen Leo "Either way, though, I'm gonna neuter you. Prepare to be chopped into kibbles and bits, Garfield!"

Teen Leo "Hai!"

Elderly Leo "Enough with the wisecracks. Focus on your enemy."

Page 2

Teen Leo "How's this for focus?!"

KLANG!

HSSSSSS

Cat Guard "Primitive reptile."

WHUK!

Teen Leo "Aargh! Dang it all!"

Cat Guard "Primitive and slow. Like all your kind."

Elderly Leo "They're sentient."

Teen Leo "Yeah, so?"

Elderly Leo "I voted long ago never to take another sentient life."

Teen Leo "How come?"

Page 3

Elderly Leo "Because of the soul."

Elderly Leo "Life is short. The soul needs as much time as possible in this life to prepare for the next."

FZZZZZZZK!

Elderly Leo "Sleep deeply, opponent."

Teen Leo "Far out. What's up with the fancy katana?"

Elderly Leo "It is a bokken, a gift from our brother Donatello on my one-hundredth birthday. It is of carbon composite and can conduct bio-electricity when so willed."

Teen Leo "You did that with your mind? Now that's cool."

Preteen Leo "One-hundred birthdays? Wow, that's a lot of birthday presents. Cool!"

Page 4

Preteen Leo "My turn!"

Elderly Leo "Be careful, young one!"

Preteen Leo "Don't worry! I'll aim high-"

Preteen Leo "-But strike low!"

Preteen Leo "Cool! It really worked!"

Preteen Leo "Whew!"

Page 5

Teen Leo "Hey, crabby, you okay?"

Adult Leo "Yeah, just gotta catch my breath, is all..."

Teen Leo "You, like, going through menopause or something?"

Elderly Leo "You talk too much for a ninja."

Elderly Leo "Be quiet. Listen."

'Elderly Leo "There. Do you hear it?"

Teen Leo "Hear what?"

HNN HNN HNN HNN!

Teen Leo "Yowsah! Incoming!"

Page 6

Teen Leo "Whoa! He's fast!"

RARGH!

Teen Leo "Real fast! Watch out!"

Elderly Leo "Get behind me, boy! Quickly!"

Preteen Leo "Yow!"

KRAT!

Page 7

Elderly Leo "You attack us, yet you are bound by someone else's chain."

Elderly Leo "You are enslaved, then?"

Elderly Leo "Help us and we shall help you attain your freedom."

Dineesha "An interesting tactic, turtle..."

Dineesha "...But Mon-Ghat accepts his lot in this life, don't you, Mon-Ghat?"

Mon-Ghat "Mmm?"

Elderly Leo "My offer is an honorable one... Mon-Ghat."

Dineesha "Enough of this foolishness or I shall kill you all!"

Page 8

Teen Leo "Bad kitty."

Teen Leo "Now back off, or I'll give you a radical de-clawing... At the wrists."

Dineesha "You dare threaten me, reptile?!"

Dineesha "You have five seconds to drop your weapon! Five seconds before I slash this one's throat!"

Dineesha "Four."

Teen Leo "Aw..."

Dineesha "Three."

Dineesha "Two."

Page 9

Teen Leo "...Crapola."

PTANK

Dineesha "Wise choice."

Dineesha "Tie them up, Mon-Ghat, and your family gets to live another week."

Mon-Ghat "Yes, Dineesha."

Teen Leo "I'm cool, big guy."

Mon-Ghat ··Forgive me.··

Teen Leo "Damned dirty stinking ape!"

Elderly Leo "Please, respect his situation."

Preteen Leo "I want to go home."

Dineesha "Quiet! All of you!"

Dineesha "Come, it is time to meet..."

Page 10

"...King G'Dello."

G'Dello "Turtles who walk like men? I have not seen your kind before."

G'Dello "Who are you and why have you come to Feenosia? State your business. Do so honestly... And I may allow you to live."

Elderly Leo "Great king, we have traveled far to visit your land... And we come in peace."

Elderly Leo "We have come at the behest of another, a benefactor who has sent us here to deliver a gift to the one known as..."

Elderly Leo "...The Cynocea."

G'Dello "The... Cynocea?!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

G'Dello "That is quite funny indeed!"

G'Dello "And so stupid that it must be true!"

G'Dello "Come this way, turtles... And I shall bring you to the cynocea..."

Page 11

G'Dello "...To what was once the royal nursery but which is now a prison cell."

G'Dello "The term "cynocea" is a title, not a name. A title given to a child when the child ascends to a throne. Understand, turtles, that had this child ascended to the throne... Only then would Pai-Doth Noor have been given the title of cynocea..."

G'Dello "...Had I not slain its father and taken the throne for myself...!"

Preteen Leo "Pai-?"

Elderly Leo ··-Hush!··

G'Dello "Do you think me so foolish as to think that you have not heard of the great battle for Feenosia? And of how I led my people against the tribes united beneath this baby's father?"

G'Dello "A baby who only lives because of my benevolence... And my respect for its father, a great warrior..."

G'Dello "...And, of course, the political ramifications if the child were to die."

G'Dello "Now..."

Page 12

G'Dello "...What is this gift you have traveled so far to bestow? Which of you carries it?"

Teen Leo "I do, it's in my belt but-"

Teen Leo "-Hey! Watch the claws, Kimba!"

G'Dello "Give it here, boy!"

G'Dello "A gemstone? And not even one of value?"

GRRRR

G'Dello "Bah!"

G'Dello "Yours has been a fool's errand, turtles."

Page 13

Adult Leo "Much as I hate cats, I hate being tied up even more. We need a plan."

Preteen Leo "Hey, that nanny is picking up the gemstone. What's she doing?"

Elderly Leo "We shall see."

Teen Leo "She's giving it to the baby..."

Teen Leo "...To the baby Pai-Doth Noor."

Past Pai-Doth Noor "Foo?"

Past Pai "Yum!"

Page 14

Future Pai "Yum."

Future Pai "A new memory... The taste of a gemstone? Ah, the gift! The gift!"

Future Pai "Then Leonardo has succeeded, as I knew he would...!"

Future Pai "The loop has been completed."

Future Pai "I can now leave this old body..."

Future Pai "Urk."

Page 15

Past Pai "...And enter the body of my youth."

Pai "I did it! I'm back in my childhood but I have all of my life's memories!"

Pai "I did it! I beat death!"

Pai "I beat death!"

Pai "My nannies! Luschea! Is that you?"

Pai "You were always my favorite... It is so good to see you again!"

Luschea "My lord, I don't undestand... How is it that you speak so?"

Pai "That, Luschea, is a long story. Allow me to explain..."

Page 16

Pai "That G'Dello defeated and murdered my father, Macqou-Doth Noor, is true. That G'Dello and his people took control of our old kingdom of Feenosia, is also true. These things you know, as they have come to pass."

Pai "What was originally fated to happen was this: You and I and all the royal nannies would spend the remainder of our natural lives within this nursery. We would never again see the sky or the forests or others of our own kind. This would be G'Dello's self-styled benevolence."

Pai "Knowing physical escape to be impossible, I spent years developing the powers of my mind until, upon reaching middle age, I was able to enter a dimensional realm where other neo-mystical beings such as myself lived. Doing so, however, was a one-way path. I was never able to return to Earth."

Pai "Pan-dimensional pathways, mystical and imagined worlds were open to me, as was contact with those who sought me out, yet the physical plane of Earth remained closed."

Pai "Until today. Thank you, Leonardo, for delivering the Gem of Transference."

Elderly Leo "You're welcome, Pai. What will you do now?"

Teen Leo "The heck with him. What about us?"

Preteen Leo "The old monkey dude... Is now this baby monkey dude? This is confusing. I want to go home."

Page 17

Pai "No problem, young Leo,"

Pai "But first I have a kingdom to reclaim!"

Pai "<(indecipherable)>"

SPRT!

Preteen Leo "Cool. But I still want to go home."

Teen Leo "I think we ought to see this through to the end."

Adult Leo "Yeah, I feel an overwhelming urge to kick some cat-butt."

Elderly Leo "Yes but first, our weapons, please."

Pai "G'Dello's chambers are that way."

Page 18

Teen Leo "Our weapons! Any day now, dude!"

Elderly Leo "Mon-Ghat... Our offer stands."

Pai "Your weapons."

Preteen Leo "Stoked."

Not Elderly Leo "Hey, Mighty Joe Young, er, I mean, Mon-Ghat-"

Same Leo "-You with us or against us, bud?"

Mon-Ghat "But... But if we fail, they will kill my family!"

ZZZT!

Elderly Leo "We shall not fail."

Cat Guard "We will kill you all!"

KRK!

Teen or Adult Leo "Guess again, fleabag."

Page 19

Teen or Adult Leo "There are more of these dudes than we thought! They just keep coming!"

Elderly Leo "Stay calm. Maintain focus."

Elderly Leo "Visualize victory and it shall be ours."

Elderly Leo "This is a certainty, Mon-Ghat."

Cat Guard "Kill them, Mon-Ghat... Kill them or your family is forfeit!"

KRAK!

Mon-Ghat "Aargh!"

Mon-Ghat "I... I think..."

Mon-Ghat "I think I shall kill you all instead."

Adult Leo "Frickin' A-right!"

Adult Leo "Cool. I'd say the tide has turned, you still need us or can we talk about heading home?"

Page 20

Pai "Thank you, one and all. I will now send you home. It's a pity that you are bound to forget this adventure... An unfortunate effect of mystical time travel, alas."

Teen Leo "It's been real."

Preteen Leo "Bye."

Elderly Leo "Are you sure you don't need any additional help? I have no problem with staying a while longer."

Pai "Thank you but you have done more than enough, old one."

Pai "Go in peace."

Adult Leo "I guess I'll see you one more time, Pai."

Teen Leo "Oh, yeah..."

Elderly Leo "I'm having a premonition about things, Pai, a bad one. Allow me to stay behind to help out..."

Pai "No need, Leonardo. G'Dello is defeated, the uprising is in full swing..."

Page 21

"...I mean, what could possibly go wrong?"

Human Soldier A "<This is where the trail of the turtle-men ends... An unknown kingdom ripe for the taking.*>"

[*Translated from the Ancient Egyptian.]

Human Soldier B "<Prepare yourself. The time to attack is imminent.>"

Page 22

Preteen Leo "Huh? This isn't home, this is a museum! Pai sent me to the wrong place!"

(ancient artwork of Pai-Doth Noor being carried off prisoner by human Egyptians)

Preteen Leo "Hey, cool, this is an Egyptian exhibit. But, what's that?"

Preteen Leo "It's a four-armed monkey! Just like..."

Preteen Leo "Huh."

Human Security Guard "Good Lord, what on-?"

Preteen Leo "Oops. Gotta vanish!"

Guard "And this relief... This wasn't here before!"

Page 23

"And thus ends what I have come to call the adventure of the four selves. Not all of whom remember this particular travail, however. At least not with any certainty...."

Preteen Leo (Why am I running? What am I doing alone in a museum in the middle of the night? I must be sleepwalking!)

Teen Leo (What a weird daydream... And strangely familiar.)

Adult Leo "Huh. I just had that weird recurring daydream again. Gee, and it's been years since the last time, too. Many years.... I hope I'm not going senile."

Adult Leo "Crap, I'm talking to myself again. Maybe I am going senile."

"I, though, remember it well. Pai risked my life four times in his self-deluded quest to cheat death. But no one can cheat death, no one. Not even a turtle."

Elderly Leo "As far as I know, anyway...."

The end

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