Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids.

Page 1

[Toad Baron's Den of Delights.]

Alberto "Attack!"

Raphael "Oh, you gotta be kiddin'."

Leonardo "Guys, whatever you do..."

Leo "...Please don't hurt anyone."

Page 2

Alberto "Have at you, sir!"

Donatello "I... I just can't."

Franz "Come no closer, turtle fiend!"

Michelangelo "Oh... A fellow chucker, hey?"

Bob "I... I w-won't let you p-pass, monster!"

Raph "Yo, umbrella boy—don't make me rain on your parade."

Leo "One day without weirdness—is that too much to ask?"

Leo "Just one day."

Page 3


Alberto "Have! At! You!"

Donnie "No, seriously... I really can't."

Franz "Hee-yah!"


Mikey "Dude! That's a real banana!"


Bob "Gyah!"

Raph "Havin' some equipment issues, are ya, shaky?"

Leo "Oh, this is ridiculous."

Page 4

Leo "Now I know why Father taught us this trick."

Bob "Oh."

Raph "Sweet dreams, froggy."

Mike "So gross."

Franz "Uff!"

Alberto "Nng..."

Donnie "Thanks, Leo, I thought I was gonna pee myself."

Toad Baron "What a disastrous deviation of events."

Raph "Yeah—disastrous for you, wart face."

Raph "We didn't come here lookin' to scrap with your little tadpoles."

Page 5

Raph "We came lookin' for you, fat boy."


Raph "Hkk?!"

Raph "Hrrggk!"

Mikey "Aw, dude! And I thought the banana was bad!"

Leo "What'd you do to him?"

Toad Baron "Not I. His malady is of his own making."

Toad Baron "There is always a price to pay for boorish behavior."

Leo "Okay, okay... Let's just all calm down. No more fighting."

Mikey "And no more barfing."

Donnie "And no more wasting time, Toad Baron..."

Raph "Ohhh..."

Page 6

"...We need to talk."




Kara Lewis "Here we are, doc..."

Kara "...It's been a riot."

Baxter Stockman "You're not staying, Detective?"

Kara "Nope. As tempting as watching two world-class psychopaths chew the fat might be, I've got more entertaining things to do."

Kara "My taxes for starters."

Kara "Toodle-loo."

Kara "Yuck."

Kara "What's up with all these damn rats?"

Captain "We've completed setting up nearly a half-dozen mobile commands around the island, Agent Bishop, and comms are 95% operational."

John Bishop "Excellent, Captain. I trust you'll get the comms fully online ASAP. And you have my permission to reach out to the Army Corps of Engineers for added construction resources."

Bishop "These tents need only be a temporary necessity. The EPF is here to stay."

Baxter "{Ahem}"

Page 7

Bishop "Ah, Doctor Stockman, I see our good Detective Lewis has delivered you safe and sound."

Baxter "Yes, well, "good" is a subjective adjective when it comes to the Detective."

Bishop "Ha! I suppose it is."

Bishop "Please, Doctor..."

"...Join us for a walk."

Bishop "So, Doctor, tell me—how did you do it?"

Baxter "Do, Agent? I'm not sure I know what you mean."

Bishop "Let's not beat around the bush, shall we, Doctor?"

Bishop "The Triceratons were here, then very suddenly they were not, and you have publicly claimed responsibility for this mysterious fact."

Bishop "So again, I ask—how did you do it? And, more importantly, where have they gone?"

Baxter "That, I'm afraid, is a conversation best left to my attorneys, Agent Bishop, as it involves proprietary technologies."

Baxter "I wouldn't stay in business very long if I got into the habit of freely divulging TCRI's trade secrets, would I?"

Bishop "No, I suppose not."

Bishop "Then again, one could also say "freely" is a subjective adverb in this case."

Page 8

Bishop "When it comes to aiding and abetting terrorists, all the lawyers in this world or any other won't be able to secure your rights to freely withhold information that I, as a duly appointed representative of this great country's government, am seeking."


Bishop "You're a smart man, Doctor."

Bishop "Need I say more?"

Baxter "I... Uh... No."

Baxter "No, you don't."

Bishop "Good. I'm glad to hear it."

Bishop "Just as I'm certain you'll be glad to hear that sending you on a one-way trip to Gitmo is truly something I hope to avoid."

Baxter "That makes two of us."

Bishop "Yes... Exactly two."

Page 9

"And two makes a team, does it not?"

Jennika "They call themselves the Garden State Wreckers, Master. A low-level gang from New Jersey. They were looting in the city when my team came across them."

Jenny "He and his father helped us to defeat them."

Splinter "I am not surprised. Casey Jones has always proven to be a loyal ally."

Jenny "He's... He's a pretty amazing fighter, too."

Splinter "..."

Splinter "Indeed."

Splinter "That being the case, he remains naive in many respects, and I fear his decision to reunite with his father may be misguided."

Splinter "Despite appearances, Hun is not to be trusted, Jennika."

Jenny "Yes, Master."

Splinter "And as for your next mission, remember—Lupo and his men are far more formidable than the interlopers you faced from New Jersey."

Splinter "Show no weakness but proceed with caution."

Splinter "While the governmental authorities are burdened with recovery and rebuilding, we have an opportunity to become the most powerful force in the city."

Splinter "You have your orders, chunin. See to them."

Jennika "Hai, Master."

"It wasn't supposed to happen this way..."

Page 10

Donnie "...We didn't come here looking for a fight—"

Donnie "—Or whatever it was those frogs were doing—"

Donnie "—We just came here looking for some help from you."

Toad Baron "Help?"

Toad Baron "By all the justified ancients of Mummu, what possessed you to believe I would offer help to such a repulsive retinue?"

Donnie "For starters, you know full well we were at your centennial celebration and overheard your sister, Kitsune, plotting to bring back your father the Dragon.*"

[*See TMNT #71 - B.C.]

Donnie "And we know that you don't like the idea of his returning at all."

Toad Baron "You are mistaken, my periwinkled friend. I never—"

Mikey "Don't lie, toad man."

Mikey "From one party dude ro another, I know there's nothing worse than someone harshing on your fiesta time."

Leo "I got you, Raph. Just don't breathe on me."

Raph "Stinkin' wart-faced pus-bag."

Toad Baron "Alberto! Franz! Bob! To your feet at once, you indolent idiots! We have guests to attend to."

Toad Baron "Chop, chop!"

Bob "Did we win, Al?"

Page 11

Toad Baron "Yes, well... I'm afraid I cannot deny my reluctance in welcoming Father's return. I have so enjoyed the uninterrupted and uninhibited bacchanal my Den of Delights has become since his demise—"

Toad Baron "—Present company excluded—"

Toad Baron "But what does any of that have to do with helping you?"

Mikey "Dudes! Look at all this crazy grub!"

Donnie "I'm looking... I'm just not sure what I'm seeing."

Leo "You might wanna close your eyes, Raph."

Raph "{Hurk}"

Toad Baron "Please, do not hesitate to indulge yourselves."

Toad Baron "We have traded fisticuffs, now we shall share this fortuitous fare."

Franz " "We?" "

Mikey "You don't gotta tell me twice, toad man! Pantheon pizza!"

Donnie "Seriously, Mike?"

Mikey "C'mon—live a little, Donnie!"

Leo "Deep breaths, bro. Deep breaths."

Raph "Ohhhh..."

Donnie "I plan to live a lot, thank you very much."

Toad Baron "Now, back to my earlier query."

Toad Baron "What do my trepidations regarding my sullen sire's return have to do with your desire for yet unspecified assistance from yours truly?"

Page 12

Leo "It's the Rat King. We think he's up to something in our city. Something bad."

Leo "And we need to know how to stop him."

Mikey "Awesome!"

Toad Baron "Well, if the Rat King is involved, you can be certain it's for ill will. He absolutely adores inflicting mayhem on others, that one."

Toad Baron "Be that as it may, I would never betray my Pantheon brethren, even that sadistic fiend."

Donnie "But what if you didn't have to betray them?"

Donnie "We know you're not the only one who doesn't want your father back. If you could just show us how to get to them, maybe we can find a solution that'll make everyone happy—"

Donnie "—Stopping the Rat King from messing with our city and your father from messing up your fun."

Mikey "Yeah, dude. A two-party solution!"

Mikey "Get it?"

Toad Baron "Hmm... You do present an interesting proposal."

Toad Baron "I suppose it would not be so bad if I provided you access to my fellow paternally adverse siblings."

Toad Baron "I would be able to rid you from my Den of Delights at the very least."

Raph "That can't happen fast enough, you ask me."

Mikey "Yay! Raph's back!"

Mikey "Try some of this righteous chicken, big bro."

Donnie "I don't know what that is, Mikey, but it's not chicken. Trust me."

Mikey "Hm."

Mikey "Tastes like chicken."

Page 13

Toad Baron "Well, then, perhaps I can be of help."

Toad Baron "Gentlemen, if you'd be so kind as to follow me."

Toad Baron "These eight doors represent the entirety of my Patheon family, and will transport you to wherever each of them happens to be at any given time... With one exception."

Toad Baron "Poor brother Chi-You has been missing for a dreadfully long time and his door has been sealed tightly shut ever since he disappeared."

Toad Baron "I fear his loss is a mystery that may never be resolved.*"

Toad Baron "As for which door you should choose, let us see..."

Page 14

"Sister Aka would seem the obvious choice. But in truth, I believe she is already helping you as much as she's willing."

"Brother Manmoth seems as perturbed with Kitsune's reunion plans as I am, but he prefers isolation to cooperation, believe you me."

"Gothano is our keeper of secrets, but he never shares them, so why waste time in the asking?"

Mikey "Man, dudes—what do you think?"

Raph "I think this sucks all the way around."

Donnie "Yeah, but we've gotta make a choice."

Leo "And quick. My gut tells me the Rat King's taking things to a whole new level this time."

Page 15

"Rat King might just be mad enough to join along in the very game intended to dethrone him, but as you well know, he plays by his own maniacal rules."

"As for Jagwar, she holds no love for human or mutant. I suspect she'd only want to help your foursome to an early mass grave."

"And Kitsune is an impetuous, disruptive brat. What else is there to say?"

Toad Baron "Well, whichever door you choose, as your host, I feel obligated to warn you..."

Toad Baron "...From this point forward, you proceed at your very own risk."

Toad Baron "If there is one thing certain about my family..."

Page 16

"...It is that they are all unpredictable."




Rat King "We are nearly there, my children."

Rat King "Just a bit farther now."

Rat King "But wait!"

Rat King "What's this?"

Rat King "A lost home for lost children?"

Rat King "Parentless and homeless?"

Page 17

Rat King "A tragedy within a tragedy."

Rat King "Ah, but fear not, my forgotten urchins."

Rat King "The Rat King knows just the song to turn calamity into bliss."

Rat King "Yes, that's it. The more the merrier."

Rat King "Just a bit farther..."

Page 18

"...All together now."

Bishop "The recent Triceraton incursion has dramatically expanded fiscal opportunities for the EPF—new monies that I plan to exploit immediately to construct a proper protection agency for this world."

Bishop "We will build from within whenever possible... And from without when necessary, via very, very lucrative government contracts."

Bishop "You are a man of unique talents and considerable resources, Doctor Stockman. I would be a fool not to acknowledge that."

Bishop "And I fully see a future where many of those same contracts I mentioned are awarded to TCRI. That is..."

Bishop "...If I first know where the Triceratons have gotten off to."

Bishop "Quid pro quo, Doctor. Or jail."

Bishop "Your choice."

Baxter "Burnow Island."

Baxter "I sent them to Burnow Island."

Bishop "There, you see, Doctor?"

Page 19

"Not such a difficult decision after all."

Leo "Okay, guys, are we all good?"

Donnie "Yeah, I think so."

Raph "Whatever. As long as we get away from here."

Mikey "Let's do it!"

Raph "You ain't takin' that nasty thing!"


Mikey "Hey!"

Mikey "Whoa—check it out! Donnie was right."

Mikey "Chickens can't fly."

Raph "{Hurk}"

Toad Baron "So, my friends..."

Toad Baron "...And I use that endearing term loosely..."

Toad Baron "...Have you come to a decision?"

Leo "Yeah, we have."

Leo "Manmoth."

Toad Baron "Very well. You will find the appropriate attire for your visit as you pass through."

Toad Baron "My brother prefers bitter cold to warm comfort. Just one of his many masochistic quirks, as you will soon discover."

Toad Baron "Good-bye, turtles."


Toad Baron "And good riddance!"

Page 20

Mikey "D-Dudes! It's totally f-freezing in here."

Raph "G-great stinkin' c-choice."

Leo "Here—quick! P-Put these on."

Raph "Well, I ain't cold anymore but I smell like a dead freakin' raccoon."

Donnie "You see anything, Leo?"

Leo "Yeah, I think so. Just up ahead..."

Leo "...A fire."

Manmoth "Well, what have we here? Trespassers."

Manmoth "And just when I thought the hunt was done for the day."

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