[Opening sequence and theme song.]
[Open on a city street and pan down to the Turtle Lair. Seated on the couch with Leonardo, Raphael impatiently taps his fingers.]
Raphael "Oh, man, what's taking Michelangelo so long? I'm starving."
[Michelangelo enters the room, carrying two pizzas and has a third balanced on his head.]
Michelangelo "Whoa, hang on, dudes. Here comes the cavalry, bringing marshmallow, octopus, and chili pepper pizza."
Raphael "All right! At last, we can do some serious deep-dishing."
Donatello "Not so fast, fellow pizza-lovers. This is a perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate my latest invention: the Automatic pizza-slicer."
[He unveils a five foot tall device with numerous “arms” and outfitted with various blades.]
Michelangelo "Whoa, it looks more like a pizza shredder."
Raphael "Face it, it just looks like Shredder, period."
Donatello "It'll carve up those pizzas in the blink of an eye."
Leonardo "Uh, Donatello, are you sure this is such a good idea?"
Donatello "Hey, have you ever known one of my inventions to fail?
Uh, never mind, don't answer that."
[They all stare at him.]
Uh, never mind, don't answer that."
[He flips the machine on and its blade start whirling crazily as it wobbles towards the table. The Turtles dive for cover.]
All "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!"
[The machine begins slicing the pizzas, sending bits of food flying all over the lair.]
Raphael "Turn it off!"
Donatello "Uh, I'll-- I'll handle this.
Oh, no, that was my favorite bō."
[He uses his bō to switch the machine off. As the blades slow, they slice off sections of the wooden staff.]
Oh, no, that was my favorite bō."
Raphael "Nice going, boy genius. You just turned our lunch into wallpaper."
Leonardo "I think that machine of yours is a little over-engineered, Donatello."
Donatello "Uh, gee, guys, I'm really sorry."
Michelangelo "Well, dudes, looks like we're heading up to Vinnie's."
Raphael "Yeah, for some unshredded pizza."
[Three of the Turtles exit, leaving Donatello behind to clean up the mess. Splinter enters as he’s scrubbing the floor.]
Splinter "Donatello! What happened here?"
Donatello "Gee, Sensei, another one of my inventions backfired. It's the third time this week."
Splinter "The only way one learns is by making mistakes. Although I admit this was a particularly messy mistake."
Donatello "I don't know, Sensei. I mean, I'm supposed to be the brainy one, yet all I seem to do lately is goof up."
Splinter "There is no dishonor in failure, my student. You must learn to turn your failures into victories."
Donatello "I'd like to turn this thing into scrap metal."
Splinter "Do not be hasty, Donatello. Before this day is over, you may yet understand the meaning of what I have told you."
[Donatello finally finishes his cleaning task.]
Donatello "Hoo, what a job, cleaning up that mess. I deserve to watch a little TV."
[He sits down and turns the television on.]
Announcer "And now, Channel 6 brings you a live report from the city zoo."
Vernon Fenwick "Vernon Fenwick, ace reporter here. I'm at the reptile house, where a new turtle habitat has just been opened to the general public. This new sanctuary will be a boon to turtles everywhere."
Donatello "All right! Score one for the good guys!"
Vernon "Not only will it protect numerous endangered species of our turtle friends, but it will help educate the public about these highly intelligent creatures. And now, back to our studios. Ew, what a waste, spending our hard-earned tax dollars on a bunch of dirty, smelly reptiles."
Cameraman "Uh, Vernon, we're still on the air!"
Vernon "[chuckles] Oops."
Donatello "Dirty, smelly reptiles, huh? Why, that overblown windbag! He can't talk that way about our species! I'm going down to Channel 6 and give that Vernon a piece of my green mind!"
[He is taking a coat and hat from the closet when another report comes on the air.]
April O'Neil "This is April O'Neil with an important news bulletin. We have word that an unidentified flying object has just landed in the mid-town section of the city. An alien creature has emerged, wielding a large variety of technologically advanced weapons. Eyewitnesses describe the alien as having the appearance of a large, vicious turtle!"
Donatello "A large, vicious turtle flying a spaceship? That almost sounds like-- like Slash, the evil turtle from Dimension X. Nah, couldn't be. That Slash character was as dumb as mud."
[He dons his disguise and heads out of the lair. He comes up on a city street.]
Donatello "That UFO must have landed around here somewhere."
[He slides past a group of onlookers who are talking amongst themselves and then reaches a police barricade.]
Donatello ""Police barricade-- do not pass." Aw, that just means humans."
[He crawls under the barricade and continues on. He peers around the corner of a building and spots a space craft sitting in the middle of the street.]
Donatello "Oh, no. I don't believe it! It's the Space Scow. That's the ship Slash made his getaway in the last time we met! He really must be back.
Uh-oh. Trouble!"
[He hears a crashing sound.]
Uh-oh. Trouble!"
[He looks across the street to Glitch and Sons Electronics Supply Shop. The glass in the front door has been smashed. Donatello enters the shop.]
Donatello "All right, Slash!"
[He spots Slash digging around in a display case. Slash turns to look at him and growls.]
Slash "Binky."
Donatello "Why would a rock-stupid shellback like you be interested in complicated electronic gear like this?"
Slash "My dear fellow, I needed to complete my Trans-Frequency Flux Oscillator. And you, I'm afraid, are in my way."
[He draws a laser rifle and fires. Donatello dives out of the way.]
Donatello "Whoa! Whatever happened to the old, lovable, stupid-as-a-sea-slug Slash?"
Slash "No use trying to hide, old chap. Your meager wits don't stand a chance against my super-intelligence."
Donatello "Well, you may now be some kind of a brainiac, but-- but are your muscles still in shape? Yaah!"
[He leaps and brings his bō down, but Slash moves to the side, grabs him, and flings him against the wall.]
Donatello "Argh! Whoa! Well, I guess that answers that."
Slash "I've both brains and brawn, my dear fellow. If I've calculated the trigonometric angles correctly, you're about to be squashed."
[He throws a piece of metal, which bounces off the wall, hits a hanging light, and comes down at an angle. It hits the first bottle in a line on the shelf, causing a domino effect. The last bottle tips over and opens, spilling its contents on a chain anchoring a heavy piece of machinery overhead. The liquid, acid, melts the chain and the machine falls. Donatello barely manages to roll out of the way.]
Donatello "Whoa!"
Slash "Now, I'm afraid, we must end this little soirée. I have much work to do."
[He starts firing his weapon again and Donatello runs out of the shop.]
Donatello "Well, he's still as mean as ever.
Oh, some things never change.
They sure don't build cars like they used to."
[There is an explosion in the shop and Donatello jumps over a car to hide on the other side.]
Oh, some things never change.
[Slash fires at the car and destroys it.]
They sure don't build cars like they used to."
[He tries to run, but Slash catches up to him. Slash grabs Donatello by the back of his coat and lifts him off the ground.]
Slash "I intend to be the supreme Turtle in this town."
[He tosses Donatello into a construction supply yard.]
Donatello "Whoa!"
Slash "Twenty to the power of nine plus a factor of five across stress plus minus twelve of gravity."
[He directs a narrow energy beam at the bolts holding a shelving unit together. One of the bolts pops out and the unit begins to sway. Donatello jumps up to run and then trips.]
Donatello "Whoa!
Uh-oh. I knew I should have worn a hard hat. Uh-oh.
Oh, wouldn't you know it, and I just had my shell waxed!"
[He looks back to see the unit tipping towards him.]
Uh-oh. I knew I should have worn a hard hat. Uh-oh.
[He dives for cover as the shelving unit gives way, dropping its load of wooden posts.]
Oh, wouldn't you know it, and I just had my shell waxed!"
[Slash looks at the pile of wood posts and girders, but doesn’t see Donatello.]
Slash "One down and three to go. Now, on to Channel 6 for the equipment I'll need to complete my Trans-Frequency Flux Oscillator."
[Meanwhile, the other Turtles have returned to the lair.]
Leonardo "Where could Donatello have disappeared to? I'll try and reach him on the Turtlecom. Donatello, where are you?"
Donatello "Uh, under a pile of girders, somewhere in the mid-town area."
Leonardo "Do you need help?"
Donatello "Does Michelangelo like pizza?"
[Slash approaches the Channel 6 building. He stops to take a rocket shaped device from his pack.]
Slash "Now to make certain no one gets out or in."
[He activates the device, which sends a beam that covers the lower floors of the building. Slash enters the building and approaches the receptionist, who’s in filing her nails.]
Receptionist "Whom do you wish to see, sir?"
Slash "Your broadcasting antenna on the roof."
Receptionist "I'm sorry, but that's impossible."
Slash "[chuckling] Nothing is impossible to someone with an anti-gravitational beam."
[He points a weapon at her and she finally looks up. Slash fires the beam, which causes the receptionist, her chair, and her entire desk to float into the air.]
Receptionist "Aah!"
[As Slash walks towards a staircase, two security guards run down the stairs towards him.]
Guard "Hey, buster, you can't come up here without a pass."
Slash "I don't need no stinking pass.
My own invention, an immobilizer ray."
[He fires the weapon at them and they float into the air.]
My own invention, an immobilizer ray."
[Slash enters a corridor where other employees are standing. One of them confronts him.]
Man "Hey, you're not allowed back here!"
Slash "As they express it so crudely on your primitive planet, chill out."
[He changes the setting on his weapon and blasts them with an icy ray.]
Employees "Aah! Aah!"
[The Turtles have reached Donatello and begin pulling the debris off of him.]
Leonardo "Are you in there, Donatello?"
Donatello "What's left of me."
Michelangelo "Whoa, dude. Looks like somebody got the drop on you big time!"
Donatello "Yeah. Hard to believe it was Slash!"
Michelangelo "Slash? You're dissin' us, right dude?"
Leonardo "You were beaten by the dumbest turtle this side of Moe's Pet Shop?"
Donatello "Somehow he's turned into a super-genius."
[His brothers start laughing.]
Michelangelo "Oh, right."
Raphael "Yeah, sure, right."
Donatello "Hey, he said he was going to Channel 6. You can see for yourselves."