Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids.

Page 1

Leonardo "Okay... With me..."

Leo "Part horse's mane."

Leo "White crane spreads wings."

Leo "Brush knees twist step."

Raphael "Uh... Hold that thought for a sec."

Leo "Raph, what the—"

Raph "Dangit, girl!"

Raph "How many times I gotta tell you that ain't a tub?"

Page 2

Raph "Aw, Pepperoni, you reek."

Raph "Now I'm gonna hafta give you a second bath."

Michelangelo "Actually, it'll be her third, Raph, 'cause she already took a number two bath."

Mikey "Ha! Number two... Get it?"

Donatello "Mikey, I swear, in the land of bad puns, yours would be royalty."

Mikey "Yes! I am the king!"

Donnie "{Groan}"

Leo "Are you guys serious right now?!"

Leo "We've still got twenty forms to get through before we're done and you three are over here telling poop jokes like a bunch of infants?"

Raph "Chill, bro. I was just helpin' Pepperoni out—no reason to get your shell all in a twist."

Leo "Why is she even down here while we're training?"

Raph " 'Cause, far as I'm concerned, she's one of us."

Raph "Matter of fact, the only difference I see between Pep and us is that she ain't stupid enough to stand around actin' like a stinkin' one-legged crane all day long."

Leo "C'mon... Get real, Raph. She's just a dumb pet."

Mikey "Dude. Not cool. Pepperoni's family... And super smart!"

Donnie "Yeah, Leo, you're being kinda harsh, aren't you?"

Old Hob "If you think that's harsh..."

Page 3

Hob "...You ain't seen nothin' yet."

Raph "Don't know how you get in here, you mangy furball, but I'm gonna make sure you go back out the hard way!"

Leo "Raph! Wait!"

Hob "Nuh-uh-uh."

Hob "Not before we talk, turtle."

Hob "And for now, talkin's all I wanna do."

Hob "See?"

Raph "Nice try, flea-biter, but we ain't fallin' for any of your bull—"

Leo "Stand down, Raph!"

Leo "Let Hob talk."

Page 4

Hob "Knew I could count on the boy scout to keep the blowhard in check."

Raph "Only thing keepin' me in check is decidin' what method I'm gonna use to stomp you, Hob."

Hob "Y'know, it's real cute how you keep tellin' yourself that."

Hob "Almost as cute as this little guy."

Hob "Throw in some puke-green skin and there'd be five of you slimy reptiles I couldn't tell apart."

Leo "Enough, Hob. I gave you the chance to talk, so talk. Why are you here?"

Donnie "And what happened to your arm?"

Mikey "And where are the other Mutanimals? They okay?"

Hob "Good questions, 'cause it's my arm and the other Mutanimals not bein' okay that's got me here."

Hob "The government's declared this mutant huntin' season, boys, and the jarheads are out for blood."

Leo "Jarheads?"

Hob "Soldiers, commandos... Whatever you wanna call 'em. Same human stink either way."

Hob "Bunch of 'em attacked HQ usin' Slash as some kind of zombie battle tank. Poor guy was outta control—or maybe under control's more like it."

Hob "Tore through us like nothin'."

Hob "I barely escaped before they bagged the others."

Donnie "Soldiers?"

Mikey "Do you think...?"

Raph "Damn."

Hob "Huh. Looks like you already ran into the nimrods I'm talkin' bout. Guess I shouldn't be surprised—you turtles are like freakin' trouble magnets."

Hob "Well, if you know 'bout these pinhead grunts, then you know we gotta do somethin' quick. 'Cause if they can brainwash Slash like that..."

Page 5

"...There's no tellin' what they're plannin' on doin' to the others."

Wesley Knight "No, hon, I'm not gonna make it. Sorry."

Knight "Why? What else?"

Knight "Work."

Knight "You know I can't tell you that, Pam. Nice try, though."

Knight "Just kiss the dogs goodnight for me and I'll be home tomorrow, promise. But right now..."

Knight "...I've got a long, bizarre night ahead of me."

Knight "Love you, too, babe."


"Ah, everyone appears to be awake and alert now..."

Page 6

John Bishop "...I trust they've all been satisfactory patients, Dr. Shevlin?"

T.J. Shevlin "Under the circumstances, quite satisfactory, Agent Bishop."

Sally Pride "You can stick your circumstances where the sun don't shine."

Bishop "Now, now... Let's be nice to the good doctor, shall we?"

Sally "I wasn't talking to the doctor, shades."

Bishop "Yes, well, speaking of "where the sun don't shine," it appears our gecko friend here is regaining the tail it lost during the extraction operation."

Mondo Gecko "Dude! Watch the cold hands!"

Shevlin "Yes, sir. The subject's mutation doesn't seem to impede its natural spontaneous epimorphic regenerative program."

Shevlin "The appendage should return to a functionally and morphologically similar structure as before."

Sally "Guess that's a fancy way of saying it'll grow back, huh?"

Sally "Just like "extraction operation" must be a new way of saying "gutless ambush." "

Sally "Humans—big words, no spines."

Page 7

Bishop "Unfortunately, regeneration wasn't the case for the crustacean."

Bishop "How goes its repairs?"

Shevlin "Let's see... Ah, yes, the surgical techs are reporting excellent progress, sir—"

"—The claw mods should be completed in the next few hours."

Bishop "That is excellent."

Bishop "And the modifications for these four?"

Shevlin "Their neural nodes are being calibrated as we speak."

Shevlin "The feline and the manta ray possess similar PTSD characteristics to the snapping turtle, so very little modification is required for theirs."

Shevlin "However, the gecko appears to have experienced no deliberate celebral trauma in its past, so we're adjusting his notes for that variable."

Bishop "And the pigeon?"

Pigeon Pete "Hi! I'm Pete!"

Shevlin "Um, we... We haven't been able to pinpoint any significant cerebral activity in the pigeon—"

Shevlin "—Trauma-based or otherwise."

Shevlin "...We're still looking for, sir."

Bishop "I see."

Man Ray "Do you, Agent? Do you truly see, or have your eyes been fooled by your blinding fear?"

Page 8

Bishop "Ah, it speaks."

Ray "Yes, when "it" has something worthwhile to say."

Bishop "And so eloquently, no less."

Shevlin "Uh, yes, sir. This one tested quite high on intelligence quotient tests."

Bishop "A genius mutant, then?"

Ray "I don't know if genius is an apt designation, but I really don't need to be one to comprehend what's happening here."

Ray "Modifying and weaponizing living organisms against their will, Agent?"

Ray "I'm sorry, but the ethics of that seem to escape me."

Bishop "As should be the case, I'm afraid. This is about eliminating an existential threat to the human species on this planet, after all... About survival."

Bishop "So-called ethics tend to be a detriment to that particular pursuit."

Ray "An existential threat?"

Ray "You mean from harmless mutants you have shackled to the wall?"

Bishop "Shackled and harmless for now, yes—but no less dangerous."

Bishop "I've seen firsthand the kind of chaos and destruction your kind is capable of when left to roam freely."

Sally "That's funny, 'cause I'm not sure I ever met a mutant who knows what roaming freely means."

Ray "While we're on the subject of "our kind," I overheard what your surgeons are inflicting on poor Herman, but where are Lindsey and Seymour?"

Bishop "The human traitor and the monstrosity?"

Bishop "It seems I underestimated the destructive powers of the Slash creature when I was controlling it—"

"—The lumbering beast packs quite a wallop. I... It nearly killed the Seymour monstrosity with a single attack."

Page 9

"As a result, I've authorized your human compatriot to assist in the recuperation efforts. She seems to possess some expertise in that area."

Lindsey Baker "No! No! You're only making it worse!"

Lindsey "Let me help—I know what to do! Please!"

Soldier "You need to stay back, ma'am. Observe and advise only."

Bishop "We should learn if they've met with success soon enough."

Ray "And success is certainly important right now, isn't it, Agent Bishop..."

Ray "...Especially after the utter T.C.R.I. failure."

Bishop "You... You know about that?"

Bishop "How—"

Ray "Intelligence, old boy—or, rather, military intelligence in this case."

Ray "As any soldier worth their salt knows, every successful campaign begins and ends with it."

Ray "It's just as your scientist chap explained—this is not Sally's nor my first time as prisoners."

Ray "We were once unwilling tenants of our mutant acquaintance Null."

Ray "And it's quite possible I've maintained close tabs on that organization since our escape."

Bishop "Really? How so?"

Ray "Sorry, Agent—that's classified. Loose lips sink ships and all that."

Bishop "Seems to me you've already flapped your lips quite a lot—though, what have you really said? You're aware of what happened at T.C.R.I... Not that it matters."

Bishop "That knowledge won't help you now."

Ray "Perhaps."

Page 10

Ray "Then again, I haven't divulged all I know about the Earth Protection Force, your Dark Water lackeys..."

Ray "...Or about you."

Bishop "Me? What could you possibly know about me, monster?"

Ray "Let's just say..."


Ray "...More than you know about me!"

Soldier A "Gyahh!"

Soldier B "Hrgk!"

Shevlin "Stingray barbs. But... How?"

Bishop "Mutations within mutations..."

Bishop "Fascinating."

Page 11

Bishop "Grrk?!"

Knight "Oh... For crying out loud."

Knight "All delta whiskey, this is Knight! Lab one is compromised!"

Knight "We have one hostile loose! Repeat..."

"...A hostile is loose!"

Ray "What is the saying, Agent? This isn't my first rodeo?"

Ray "Surely after all my prison experience, you really didn't believe your paltry bonds could hold me, did you?"

Bishop "Gllrkk..."

Shevlin "Help! It's killing him!"

Bishop "Hardly..."

Page 12


Ray "Yagh!"


Bishop "Not the only one with hidden powers, are you, mutant?"

Bishop "It appears you didn't know me as well as you believed."

Bishop "Come. Let me teach you more."

Ray "Rahh!"

Bishop "You call yourself a soldier."

Bishop "So you admit we're at war?"


Ray "Unf!"

Bishop "Your kind and mine?"

Page 13

Ray "A soldier, yes."

Ray "But not by choice."

Ray "By necessity!"


Ray "To fight in a war of terror wrought by those who let fear and ignorance dictate their violent actions."


Ray "To vigorously defend my kind against a monstrous existential threat."

Ray "Your kind."

Knight "Put the nice agent down and turn around slowly, mutant..."

Page 14

Knight "...And keep those back-flaps... Or wings... Or whatever the hell they are where we can see them."

Soldier "Um, Colonel Knight... We've got another problem, sir."

Knight "Oh, what the hell..."

Knight "...Now?"

Pete "Hi!"

Pete "I'm Pete!"

Ray "Like I said..."

Page 15

"...Not our first rodeo."

Mondo "You think Pete will be okay, Sally?"

Sally "He'll be fine, Mondo. You heard that suit... They need us alive for their little experime—"

Sally "—Get down!"

Soldier A "Hurry! Colonel said more of those mutants escaped!"

Soldier B "We ain't gettin' paid enough for this gig, boys!"

Mondo "Did you know Ray could do that gnarly dart thing from his wings?"

Sally "I didn't even know he was still keeping an eye on Null, but whatever—he bought us some time, so let's use it."

Sally "There you are..."

"...Come to Mama."

Sally "Okay, Mondo, time to get outta here and get us some help. You ready?"

Mondo "No, Sally, I'm stayin'. These creeps gotta have some info we can use—I'm gonna scope out the place, see what I can find. Do some serious hackin'."

Mondo "They stole my tail, so I'm gonna jack their data."

Sally "You sure? There're guards everywhere."

Mondo "But only one invisible gecko dude."

Sally "Okay. Cool. Just... Be careful, kid."

Mondo "What about you?"

Sally "Me?"

Page 16

"I'm going for a joyride."


Sally "Yes!"

Sally "Pushbutton ignitions rule!"


Soldier A "What the—?!"

Soldier B "Fire!"





Sally "Heh. Bulletproof glass."

Sally "Nice!"


"This is some pretty significant damage..."

Page 17

Donnie "...I'm picking up plenty of blood trace, but no bullet casings."

Donnie "This was all definitely caused by blunt force destruction."

Hob "Yeah—berserker, brainwashed Slash. I already told you that, genius."

Leo "Yes, you did, Hob. But we had to make sure."

Hob "Make sure?! We're wastin' all this time so you idiots can be sure?"

Hob "Why would I make somethin' like that up?!"

Raph " 'Cause lyin's what you do best, fleabag."

Mikey "Poor Slash. There's no way the big guy woulda done this to the other Mutanimals on his own."

Hob "No kiddin', runt..."

Hob "...Just like there's no way he ever woulda been on his own for them to mess with his head if you hadn't come along and run him off from the rest of us.*"

[*See TMNT #54 - B.C.]


Mikey "Hey!"

Raph "Yo—you come at my little bro like that again, it'll be the last time."

Hob "Yeah, yeah... Cute as ever."

Hob "So, what about it, boy scout..."

Hob "...You got a plan in the works, or you useless without that slimy rat holdin' your hand all the time?"

Leo "Just... Just give me a sec. I'm thinking."

Hob "Well, think faster..."

Page 18

"...'Cause we're runnin' outta time."

Donnie "Much as I hate to say it, Hob's right."

Donnie "I don't think there's anything here that's gonna help us. We need to decide what to do..."

Donnie "...Next."

Donnie "Uh-oh."

Raph "Crap!"


Page 19

Leo "Everyone! Get down!"

Donnie "Oh, man..."

Donnie "...We've got company to spare, guys."

Mikey "Is it those Dark Water dudes?"

Donnie "Yeah—pretty sure, Mike."

Leo "Dammit! I should've known they'd be monitoring this place."

Hob "Yeah. You shoulda."

Raph "Shut up, Hob."

Raph "So what about it, Leo? It's lookin' like serious Alamo time, bro..."

Raph "...What do you want us to do?"

Leo "I... I..."

Page 20

"...Don't know."

Alex Winter "Command, this is Winter. We've got the tangos boxed in. Orders? Over."

Knight >Winter, Knight here. Secure and maintain perimeter. But do not engage...<

Knight "...We had a bit of a snafu here. Bishop is en route. Over."

Winter >Understood, command.<

Winter "Any ETA on when we can expect reinorcements? Over."

Knight "Soon..."

Knight "...We're prepping the weapon now."

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.