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Some TMNT stuff really isn't for little kids. |
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[Somewhere in northern Mexico, on the edge of the desert.] Bebop "The Big Apple!" Rocksteady "I'dbe good with one of them small apples at this point, Bebop." Rocksteady "I just wanna be back in the USA already. Where people look hurt when you say hurtful things." Bebop "Nah. New York or bust! No place like home." Bebop "Hey, Rock. When we get back, we should change things up. What if—just—what if... We give up our lives of crime." Rocksteady "..." Bebop "You know, be uh, what's it called? Good." Rocksteady "...Hahaha you had megoing there, Bee." Bebop "I'm serious. Use your noggin. The turtles are good. Everyone loves them. They got all the friends." Bebop "Why? Cause they're heroes." Rocksteady "Huh. Yeah. We should be heroes. We could be better heroes than the turtles." Rocksteady "Yeah, man! Heroes! Watch out New Yor—man, my ear really itches..." AAAAAAAH! |
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SKREEEEE CRASH BOOMBOOM Bebop "Get it away! Get it away!" Rocksteady "Bebop! What the heck, man? What's wrong with you?" Bebop "Your ear! It's turned normal! Like... Hu-Hu-Human...!" Rocksteady "What do I do? Bebop, what if it spreads? What if I go all the way back to a human?" Bebop "No! Don't even say it." Bebop "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rocksteady "I think so." SLICE HUCK Bebop "We should be safe now." Rocksteady "What? No, you stupid dinosaur!" Rocksteady "Bee, he's going after it." Rocksteady "Don't—Don't eat it, you butt-brain. It's contaminated!" Rocksteady "You're contaminated now... As if I didn't hate you enough already." Bebop "Ha ha ha! Nothing can stop us! Not even an ear! Who're the heroes now?!" |
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EPF [Kirtland Air Force Base, in the high desert of central New Mexico.] Bobby Browder "Special Agent Ravenwood, ma'am, right this way." Browder "I'm Agent Bobby Browder. I was surprised to learn you were leading this operation. We were expecting Agent Bishop." Ravenwood "Agent Bishop is currently in over his head with New York's mutant underground and being the world's worst candidate to make first contact." Ravenwood "Ithink you'll find we're better off without him." Browder "What's in those choppers?" Ravenwood "Insurance, Agent Browder. Insurance." "Many of you have heard of me. What you've heard is true." |
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Ravenwood "I've been a part of Earth Protection Force since its inception in 1955. Looking at me, you may wonder how that's possible." Ravenwood "The answer is discipline over body and mind." Ravenwood "And good genetics." Ravenwood "Our targets are a mutant rhinoceros, known as Rocksteady, and a mutant warthog, known as Bebop." Ravenwood "These two came to our attention when they destroyed an entire building in Manhattan's Lower East Side." Ravenwood "Last year they turned up in Rio de Janeiro where they fought and destroyed 10 U.S. made War-Bots with their bare hands." Ravenwood "Since then they're made their way up through Central America into Mexico, leaving a trail of carnage and destruction." Ravenwood "They are strong and they are heavily armed." Ravenwood "These are two of the most dangerous mutants ever created." Ravenwood "The Mexican Federales won't go near them and have called for us to come take them away... And take them away we will..." Ravenwood "John Bishop believes that mutants like these post an existential threat to humanity. He's called for the extermination of all mutants." Ravenwood "I don't share his attitudes. Most mutants are not a threat. For the ones that are..." Ravenwood "It's important to remember that they are animals grappling with minds and bodies they were never meant to have." Ravenwood "Mutants are not necessarily monsters. It's possible they simply need understanding and a helping hand." Ravenwood "Our objective is to capture Rocksteady and Bebop. If we have to, we will use deadly force, but only on my order." Ravenwood "Be alert. Be vigilant. Be aware. Let's go." |
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Hector Barrales "Hello to all of you out there on the internet, this is—well, Hector Barrales." Hector "I'm still working on a cool nickname. Your suggestions last time were a help, but I'm still thinking it over." Hector "So I'm back with part two of my investigation of The Monster of Carracitos." Hector "I'm approaching the town now and I have to stress, this is the middle of nowhere. Two hours I've driven from Monterrey. There is no reception out here or I'd stream this live." Hector "Oh, here comes someone now." Man "No vayas al pueblo. Llega la noche. Hay una bestia que caza en la oscuridad." Hector "Has visto a la bestia? Espere. Solo dime..." Hector "Oh boy. People are actually leaving the town because it's getting dark." Hector "I hope that when you are seeing this, I am still alive. In my last video I captured a glimpse of the creature." Hector "The response from you guys was fantastic. Great theories in the comments on what it could be." Hector "Some thought it was Mothman, others thought it could be a prehistoric holdover, but my favorite theory is of course aliens..." Hector "Now's as good a time as any to remind you to hit that subscribe button." [Soon. Just past the sun-patched pueblo of Carracitos, on the creep into the black hills of a moonless night.] Hector "I'm now well past the town. According to the people that live here the monster takes its victims out here to the hills and canyons... Wait... Wait." Hector "What's that. Oh jeez. Oh man. There's something in the road..." |
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Hector "I hope you guys can see this. Looks like no one's out here... Very creepy." Hector "It's a convertible. I wonder, could the driver have been snatched out and taken into the night?" Bebop or Rocksteady "Hey!" Hector "Gah!" THMP THMP THMP Hector "Oh jeez! Oh man, there's something out there!" Hector "It's coming fast! Oh jeez!" THMP THMP THMP Hector "Ahh!" GrrNch Bebop "Not so fast, dump-wad!" Hector "Help! It's attacking my van!" |
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Rocksteady "Ha ha. I think he's peed himself." Bebop "Man, you're lucky! We need some frickin gas and rather than just take it from ya, we're gonna be real nice and let you give it to us!" Bebop "Oh dang! Rock-o, this guys loaded!" Rocksteady "We hit the jackpot!" Bebop "He's got all the good stuff here. He's even got cherry fruit pies!" munch munch munch NOM NOM chom burp Hector "Tha-That's my stake-out food." Hector "I can't believe this. I've never seen creatures like these. The—They might be some new form of cryptids! What—What are you?" Rocksteady "I guess you could say that we are... I don't know, Bebop, would you say that we are... The coolest dudes around?" Bebop "Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right." Hector "You're amazing!" Bebop "Hey, you hear that, Rock? This guy thinks we're amazing!" Rocksteady "Dork knows the best when he sees it." Bebop "Cool boots." Rocksteady "Camo jacket? A military man, huh?" Bebop "Frickin' cool hat! You're like a nerd... But a nerd that doesn't make me want to punch you in the face." Bebop "We are Bebop & Rocksteady!" Rocksteady "AKA The Mighty Mutant Foot Monsters." Bebop or Rocksteady "And that over there is our lousy contaminated dinosaur thatneds to buzz off already!" |
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Hector "I'm Hector Barrales! I'm a U-Tube star with my own monster hunting show. I mean, I've only done one episode so far, but well, I think I just need to stick with it." Bebop "Monster hunting, huh? You catch any yet?" Hector "Yeah. That's what I'm doing out here. Some kind of giant evil flying creature has been terrorizing the town down the road." Hector "It started by stealing scrap metal and killing livestock, but now there have been three human victims." Hector "They say it leaves its victims drained." scritch scritch Rocksteady "Tired, huh? Feeling pretty drained myself." Hector "No, it sucks their blood!" Bebop "Hey, Rock, come here. You remember that thing about us being heroes? Well, maybe beating up this evil monster is our chance." Rocksteady "I don't know, Bop. Sounds like a dang Dracula. You know I hate dang Draculas." Bebop "But, this jerk's gonna put it on Boob-Tube! We save the town and become whimper-net stars. Next thing you know..." Rocksteady "These nerds are like, "Turtles? Turtles who?" " Bebop "Good news, guy. We're superheroes!" Bebop "Like the turtles but much, much tougher." Rocksteady "And, uh, yeah. We'll help you find this Dracula and heroically kick its face in. Haha." Hector "Awesome. This is going to be the best video ever!" Rocksteady "Now, about that gas..." Bebop "Yeah, about that gas..." SNIFF SNIFF Wingnut "Animals. Beasts invade our habitat." Screwloose "Ooouuuur town, and they're with the feedbag who hunts us." Wingnut "Hunts the alien. We are the alien. Remember? On our planet, remember? Are we not a tenacious specimen?" Screwloose "Teeeennnacious and strong. A survivor." |
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[In the pitch-black hills of Nuevo Leon, on the trail of the wicked beast.] Hector "Bebop and Rocksteady, are those your real names?" Bebop "Gave 'em to ourselves! A man's reputation should be summed up by his nickname, know what I'm saying?" Bebop "You gotta have something that stands out, gets people to remember you, and speaks the truth about your soul. So... Bebop!" Rocksteady "Rocksteady!" Hector "I've been thinking of a nickname too! I'm going to be... To be... Razzmatazz!" Bebop "That's awesome!" Rocksteady "S'okay." CRASH Bebop "Ghaaa!" Bebop "Holy jeez! What kind of goddamn monster would do such athing?! Hold on, Razzmatazz!" Rocksteady "I see it flying up there!" BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA |
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Rocksteady "Hey!" Rocksteady "Try and scratch me, dumbskull? I'll bash you to smithereens!" SNAG Razzmatazz "Aahh! Help!" Bebop "Gotcha, Razzmatazz!" Bebop "Hold on, Razzmatazz!" Bebop "Razzmatazz!" Rocksteady "Eat lead, laser-lips!" BRATATATA P-TANG P-TANG P-TANG Bebop " "P-tang"? Did that thing say "p-tang"?" |
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KA-BAM Wingnut "This is our habitat, plankton chips!" Rocksteady "I was right! It's a Dracula!" BRATATATA P-TANG P-TANG P-TANG Screwloose "Take this trinotrotoluene grenade!" SPLAT Rocksteady "Gross!" Rocksteady "I can't believe you did that!" |
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SCREEEECH Bebop "Grab hold of something, Razzmatazz. We're coming for you, Rock!" Rocksteady "All right, you little creeps... Now I'm gonna murderize ya." Rocksteady "Not my good hittin' arm!" Bebop "Buddy!" Rocksteady "Pal!" Bebop "Buddy!" Rocksteady "Pal!" Razzmatazz "I can't believe this, you guys." Razzmatazz "It's incredible... I don't know how I'm going to get out of—wait! Something's coming!" Razzmatazz "Where's Rocksteady?" |
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Bebop "That jerkmonster took him to that junk tower just ahead." Razzmatazz "I can't see anything, just dark!" Bebop "I can see it and smell it, and it stinks." Razzmatazz "Super sight and super hearing... You saved my life! You really are superheroes!" Bebop "Uh. Yeah, whatever." Wingnut "Curious specimen. Phylum. Genus. His blood has made us strong, exceeding projections. Blood red, but with green? What species? Alien?" Screwloose "Looooook. His arm. He's one of them. Not like us, but a feedbag. A superior feedbag!" Rocksteady "You're a superior feedbag. Ha." Wingnut "We are Wingnut." Screwloose "And weeeee are Screwloose. We... Remember you. Before that we remember... When we were taken from our home." Wingnut "On our planet there is a perpetual red night. Then came the alien invaders." Screwloose "Tooook us from our people. Alone we creator this, our tower." Wingnut "What is this thing, in us—that sees and doesn't sleep. Our tower will send signal to our family, phylum, to take us home. We need to sleep in the red night." Rocksteady "Hey, Dracula, your planet sounds {cough hack} uh... Dumb." BOOM Screwloose "Aliennnnn invasion!" |
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RRRRRRRR Bebop "Hang on, Rocksteady! I'm going to bring this whole thing down!" Wingnut "So it's war! Fire all cannons!" Rocksteady "Look out, Bee. The little one throws dead rats!" Bebop "You sick freaks!" BASH VVRRM Wingnut "Waaaah!" WHAM Wingnut "Off, plankton-chip!" Screwloose "The tower!" |
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GGGGRN Razzmatazz "Run!" Bebop "I thought it would go the other—" CRASH!! Screwloose "We'll never reach our family now!" Screwloose "On our planet there was no hate." Screwloose "Wenever felt vengeance... Andthere was no pain of being a man." Rocksteady "Dingbat, or whatever... On our planet, things are pretty different." |
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Wingnut "Do you see our taloned fingers?! Are we not noble?" Screwloose "Nobbbble as the moon and all creatures that dwell in twilight." Wingnut "Now we will kill you." Screwloose "Eat! Eeaaattt!" BOOM Wingnut & Screwloose "?" RRRRRAAA |
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WHAM Bebop "Try and kill my friend...?" Bebop "You get flattened!" SKREEEEEEEEEE crash Bebop "..." Bebop "Damn it, Rocksteady! That thing wrecked our car!" |
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Rocksteady "Aw no, not my good smashin' arm too..." Bebop "My foot feels really weird." Bebop "Oh man! Now it's on me!" Bebop "See? They're different." Rocksteady "You've had hoofed feet in your boots this whole time?" Bebop "This really stinks!" Rocksteady "I can't imagine how you feel." Bebop "Me neither... Well, I guess we walk it from here." Rocksteady "Yeah, that's the spirit. New York or bust." [The day's first rays burst out across the Sierra Madre.] Rocksteady "What happened to Razzmatazz?" Bebop "Whatever. He didn't really understand us anyway." Bebop "Also, Razzmatazz is a dumb nickname. Shoulda gone with Doo-wop. Or Grunge." Rocksteady "I like Razzmatazz..." |
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[At the bottom of the embankment where that pathetic bat and bugmet their bitter end.] Time Master A "...No. For serious though, Lord Discordance has called for an all points, and the chief is all like "Jump? How high?" " Time Master B "Whoops. Hey, we found our mutant bat. Doesn't look too good." Time Master B "These poor ill-fated fellows are scattered throughout the multiverse." Time Master B "Seems we'll be cleaning up after Renet's debacle for a while still." Time Master A "But, check this! This car? Also totally not supposed to be in this timeline." Time Master A "Tat's like two things we can cross off the list." Time Master B "Do you think it's cool to return this bat guy and the car in such bad condition?" Time Master A "The bat's going into a stasis pod in a lab that will burn down in just a few weeks, so who cares. And the car? Hit and run... Hold on. I'm getting another displacement reading... There's a kind of dimensional distortion..." Time Master B "Ah. You know what? Let's leave. Whatever it is, it's above our pay grade." Voop HAHAHAHA ? "Interesting." HAHAHAHAHAHA ? "In-ter-es-ting." |