User blog:TMNTInsider/2014 "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" - "Under the Microscope" Review

I finally found a copy of the 2014 TMNT movie at my local library and saw it for free. That's the only way I was ever going to see it! I know I should be reveiwing "The Weird World of Wyrm" but gimme a break, I've got a lot going on.

Anywho, I was expecting the worst and my expectations were met...well, later. For one, there was no way that I could've either went into a movie theatre or just sat down on my living room couch and walked away from this movie feeling satisfied with what I had just seen. I knew this movie was doomed the moment the list of the names of the people involved in the making of this movie were revealed. I knew it had as much chance as Billy Cundiff's kick did against New England. I knew it didn't have a chance!

The movie actually started out all right until those turtles showed up! Despite Megan Fox having April keep spouting nonsense (customary to a lot of Michael Bay involved characters) and being very deserving of her Razzie Award, she and the rest of the human cast were actually all right. From their opening scene, it looked as though Saki and Karai had the potential to be really good villains in the movie--and they probably would have been if the movie wasn't so disjointed! The movie had a really weird attitude towards Will Arnett's Vernon Fenwick. It kept setting himself up as someone who maybe maybe not liked April yet the movie kept taking a dump on the character up to the bitter end. Where was this movies focus on that point? And finally, William Fichtner (who we know CAN act!) started off level, a bit mysterious, and debt-ridden with regards to his relationship with Shredder once we find out more about his history. On the other hand, it's almost as if that Eric Sachs disappears completely once the turtles arrive with some of the movies most terrible lines and outrageous characterizations...whose also stuck in a very pedistrian and uninteresting scheme.

The turtles themselves are another story. I'm not going to be amongst those casual-minded viewers and complain that they didn't have as much desired screentime as others because for one, I didn't like them and the movie got worse with them; but also there remains one simple fact: humans are cheap! The sooner modern day viewers accept this, the better! Now, I admit that the sunglasses on Raph, Leo's Japanese-esque armor, and the Japanese markings on the backs of their shells were irresitable, but the rest of the designs for the characters were god-awful! Splinters design though totally took the cake, let's leave it at that! (1) Raph was the best of the CGI creatures, character-wise if you really took a look under the microscope. He starts off on the wrong foot with April and wants almost nothing to do with her or anyone. By the end of the movie though, he's almost like her most dedicated bodyguard even being the first one to jump from the collapsing skyscraper to save her. Still, this movie had a lot of unbearably overdone scenes such as when yours truly, in almost all TMNT universes had to show the softness beneath his hardened exterior during said skyscraper collapsing scene! Urgh! The best analogy I can think of would be drowning your biscuit in so much gravy that by the end all you've got is a mess of gravy and no biscuit in sight. I couldn't take it! (2) And that's saying something when we've got the abomination such as Mikey to deal with! I will go to my grave never being able to live down how much people liked this creep. Of course, like Bumblebee, a lot of people like him due to the demographics he was aimed at but like Bumblebee, his character was clumsy (and quite creepy) in all the wrong ways! Noel Fisher was one ugly turtle both inside and out with this guy. His humor may be good for a first viewing because it's such a mess that it's unpredictable and you can't help but to either burst out laughing or react in accordance with the characters' presented tone. Like Raph's skyscraper confession though, when that grating, anger-inducing final scene comes up you'd just wish Mikey would for once drop his unnatractive creep act and just be serious for once. (3) And poor Leo and Don get stuck with hardly any level of character development for us to get really invested in.

Now this movie had something good and unique going for it until it was never brought up again. People have brought up how disappointed they are that there's none of that classic Shredder and Splinter connection but all the other pieces to connect the Turtles, Splinter, April, etc. together were done well enough. To tell a new story with regards to a long running franchise like this is hard. You have to come up with new ways of tying everything together: like a puzzle, familiar looking, but with a whole lot of new pieces that you have to come up with and connect at the end in the hopes of forming the big picture. Part of the picture I was excited about was the turtles finally getting to meet their human master. I thought they did a good job setting this up but it did not get the exploration or development it deserved. 31 years ago in TMNT lore, and throughout the history of the franchise it must be said, a boy (I'll call him Zachary Higgins, I don't know where I came up with the name) dropped the Turtles either by clumsiness or lost them down the drain when he was knocked over by someone saving a pedestrian's life. After that incident, "Zachary" was never seen or heard from again and was long forgotten by both characters, readers, viewers, and fans. THE END! ...Not this time! That Splinter and the turtles would take the time after meeting April to show their gratitude and honor was a thrilling moment but that's all we got out of that revelation and that's a disappointment seeing as how more could have been done with that.

One last thing I have to mention is the dynamics of this story which were a real mess, the one thing in particular that stands out is them being bulletproof. Now, we both know that the mutagen/ooze central to the franchise is alien. But it's ooze, there's only so much it can do. For the turtles to be able to go out and do what they do, they need to be able to overcome their coldblooded nature. If the mutagen flows in their bloodstream and is able to protect them a certain level of protection from the elements, I can buy that! If it gives them enhanced strength to have a chance in a physical confrontation, I can buy that (though 40-inch biceps I'm having trouble)! If their shells are bulletproof, I can buy that to a certain degree--it would have to depend on the gun used and how many shots are gotten off! You can not tell me that this would make their entire physical beings totally bulletproof, it's cheating! And it gets dumb when you make the Foot soldiers keep firing throughout well after this cheat has been established. Also, everyone keeps referring to the highlight of the movie being the snow mountain chase and fight sequence. I have to buck the crowd a little bit, not only because it was too much/outrageous, but the fact that it probably is the highlight of this movie for me as well shows just how terrible this movie is. Especially when you compare it to the rest of the movies (III being a possible exception) and the animated series'. I knew this movie was doomed when the likes of Bay, Liebsman, etc. were involved, not just because of their film resumes but they would bring all to the table that the TMNT franchise is not about. This franchise has not lasted 31 years because of over-the-top and muscle-brained action, bad characterizations, lovesick creeps, and "spectacle" over character. It's lasted because of fully developed and well established characters (which is where most of the fun comes from), genuinely emotional stories, inventive situations (and villains), strong connections, etc. In fact, if you were to look in the Turtles dictionary and you looked up all the positive qualities and characteristics that are associated with the turtles and have made them last as long as they have, this movie had none (or nearly none) of those!

Although the best thing I can say about this movie is that it's over, it gets a merciful 2.5/10 from me.