User blog comment:Jason Bourne Hamato/Ask the TMNT project!/@comment-995426-20171002065654

These turtles can't really answer any of that. Their relationships are written like terrible fanfiction. (faces turtles) Tell me it isn't true.

Raph: (glances at Mona)  (glances at me)  It's true. (to Mona) Can I stop pretending now?

(Mona Lisa walks off in disgust.)

Why did you do all that?

Raph: (folds arms)  Because I was written to, okay?

What, was this Auman's idea?

(Raphael groans in disgust.)

It was?

Raph: Kinda. Mona was his idea. As if the Fred Wolf fans couldn't write their own cheesy fanfiction.

Dude, that was just... Just...

Raph: I know.

That was just bad!

Raph: (glares)  I know! Stop reminding me. You're not the one who had to kiss a total stranger half an hour after you met her.

Why did they do all this?

(Slash sits next to Raph.)

Raph: I dunno, one of the producers binge-watched our first two seasons and freaked out when they realized I'm...  ...  (glances aside)  Am I even allowed to say it? Are the TV-Y7 gods gonna strike me down or something?

Gay?

(The "TV-Y7" watermark morphs into a "TV-PG". Slash rolls his eyes.)

Seriously, Nick? It's 2017. That's cold.

Slash: You have no idea.

So you were with Slash all this time?

(Raph and Slash briefly glance at each other.)

Slash: It's complicated.

What relationship isn't? (realizes)  You are in a relationship, right?

Raph: ...Sort of. I mean... We were...  ...

Slash: I think what Raphael's trying to say is that we were still trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted when the producers stepped in and forced us apart.

Raph: You were still trying to figure that out. I wanted you to come home, remember? I wasn't ready before, but then I was.

(Slash glances at Leo. Leo scowls a bit.)

Raph: (softly)  I still am, Spike.

(Slash's glances at Raph with warmer eyes.)

I get it, that was never not going to be complicated.

Slash: No, it wasn't.  Not gonna lie about that.

Former pet, going ax-crazy, hot newt rebound&mdash;

Slash: (angrily)  &mdash;Hey! (more self-consciously) It wasn't like that. I mean, yeah, he was...

Hot?

Slash: Yeah. Yeah, he was hot. (eyes shift) In a psychotic sort of a way. (refocuses eyes) But I wasn't in love with him. I just needed, you know, a brother. Someone who I thought wouldn't betray me.

(Raph scowls at Slash.)

Slash: (to Raph)  You know what I mean! (to me) Look, we don't need to rehash all this. The cat's out of the bag. Raph's beard is gone.

I know, right? That was just weird. A mutant turtle with hair?

Slash: That's not what I was talking about and you know it!

Raph: Slash, let's just...  You're right. We can finally figure this stuff out now.

So none of you have a girlfriend?

(Silence.)

Mikey?

Mikey: (smiles)  Okay, dude, you got me.

Renet's your girlfriend?

Mikey: What? No. I mean, she still whips my butt at foosball.

You're just not in like with her?

Mikey: (grins knowingly)  Didn't say that either.

Raph: Yeah, you never know with this munchkin. Who's your crush this month? Chris Bradford? Leatherhead? Renet? Shinigami? The pizza guy?

Leo: Hey, let's be fair. I don't think he's even asked out the pizza guy.

Raph: (smirks)  Yet.

Mikey: I'll admit, they all have a special place (pats plastron) in here, amigos. But only one of them waited for me for like a hundred years.

(Leatherhead embraces Mikey.)

Leatherhead: (warmly)  Fifty-three years.

Mikey: (warmly)  Not great at math, buddy.

So how old does that make him now?

Leatherhead: Seventy.

(does some mental math) So if he hadn't been trapped in Dimension X, he'd be seventeen now? ... You didn't look seventeen back then. (realizes) Wait, you and Mikey were the same age?

Donnie: Yes and no. They were about the same age when he left Dimension X, but he was still raised in Dimension X. I'd estimate he was born here on Earth less than three years ago.

... Weird. But I'm not gonna complain. So, if Raph doesn't have a girlfriend, and Mikey has Schr&omul;dinger's girlfriend... Boyfriend? Personfriend?

Mikey: (annoyed)  Hey, I've never met this Schr&omul;dinger dude, and I don't steal other peoples' peoplefriends.

(rolls eyes) Then who does have a girlfriend? ... Leo?

Leo: (sighs)  When I find out, I'll let you know.

Donnie: Yeah, can't really envy Leo's position there.

Is there a Raven Shadowheart in this world?

Leo: Who?

Another version of you married her.

Leo: ...  Yeah? Was he happy?

Way happy. And there was another version of you who had a daughter.

(Leo's eyes widen.)

Leo: (thoughtfully)  ...  A little girl? ... What was her name?

Yumi.

Leo: (smiles slightly)  ...  (drops smile)  But I guess that'll never be my kid, will she?

(glances briefly at Karai's framed picture) Oh, never say never.

Mikey: Did other Leos have any other girlfriends?

Well... Do you really want to know the answer to that?

Leo: I'm okay with it. They're "me," but still different people, right? They have their own lives, and I have mine.

Yeah. Okay, one version of you is dating Usagi.

Leo: (eyes widen)  What?  But I'm not gay.

You're not gay. But not every version of you isn't.

Mikey: Ooh! Who are other me's going out with? Do any of them have kids?

That'd take way too long to list. And yes.

Mikey: Awesome! What about Raph?

(Raph looks uncomfortable.)

I don't think that's the most sensitive topic, what with the being scripted to have a fake girlfriend and everything.

Mikey: Right, bro. (loud sotto voce) Pssst. Fill me in later?

Only if it's okay with this Raph.

Raph: (glares)  It's not okay with Raph.

So really, none of you have girlfriends?

(Silence. All eyes shift towards Donnie.)

Donnie: ...  No comment.

Raph: No comment? You totally used to spaz about her. You would strut like a cocky bastard if she so much as smiled at you.

Donnie: Well, that was then, and this is now. I would appreciate if you respected my privacy.

Raph: That's rich. This coming from the guy who told everyone about how Casey laughed his ass off when he found out about Slash's visits?

(Slash appears nervous.)

Donnie: Everyone else already knew.

Raph: No, everyone else didn't already know. I didn't know anyone else knew.

Slash: &mdash;Raph.

Raph: (still clearly annoyed)  Fine. Whatever. Ancient history. The point is turtles who live in glass sewers shouldn't throw throwing stars.

(Donnie's T-Phone buzzes. Donnie takes it out and reads a text.  Donnie smiles tenderly, gives a little chuckle, and starts texting back.)

Raph: (softly)  ...Gag...

Slash: You did help them get together in the first place. You should be proud. I know I'm proud of you.

Raph: (nervously)  I...  I just gave him a nudge now and then. Anyone can bat a low-hanging pi&ntilde;ata.

Slash: (holds Raph close)  You were there for him when he needed a big sister.

Raph: (smirks wrily)  You can be such a bitch, Spike.

Slash: I had the best teacher.

Donnie: (still texting, not facing)  You know, I'm still in the room and I can hear both of you.

Slash: (not facing)  We know.