User blog comment:Jason Bourne Hamato/Ask the TMNT project!/@comment-995426-20171027020640

(Season 1 Raph is asked the question.)

Raph: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't I have to be dating someone in the first place before asking me if I'm gay?

Donnie: Look, I know you guys tease me all the time about April, but this question isn't all that complicated. For me, the answer is "no." What about the rest of you?

Leo: Well, I'm probably "no" too.

Mikey: ...  Could you repeat the question?

Donnie: Are you gay?

Mikey: What's that?

Donnie: (sighs)  Do you like guys?

Mikey: Sure, who doesn't?

Donnie: (slightly annoyed)  No, do you like guys enough to love one?

Mikey: Yeah, I love everyone here.

(Donnie facepalms.)

Leo: Mikey, remember that morning we found you and Leatherhead together in the middle of the lair? You'd slept with him all night, and you were holding each other.

Mikey: Sure, I remember that. Why?

Leo: Now, what's the longest you've looked into each other's eyes?

Mikey: (grins fondly)  Dunno, dude. Felt like forever.

Leo: And does he make your shell feel tighter, just being around him?

Mikey: (blissfully)  Oh yeah.

Donnie: That's...almost T-M-I.

Leo: I'd say that's pretty gay, Mikey.

Mikey: Oh. ... Okay. Then I guess Raph's gay for Spike?

Raph: (infuriated, chases)  Oh I will end you, Mikey!

(Mikey flees in terror.)

Donnie: I...don't think it really works that way.

(Raph pounds his fists on Mikey's carapace as Mikey cowers.)

Donnie: We may be mutants, but our pair-bonding instincts seem to mirror those of humans. Spike isn't a mutant.

(Season 2 Raph is asked the question.)

(Raph ignores the question and goes to his room.)

Mikey: Slash totally did a number on him, but it was his soft muscle that got squooshed.



Splinter: I do not believe the question still matters to Raphael.

April: Now he's just trying to figure out what to do next.

(Early Season 3 Raph is asked the question.)

Raph: ...  Yeah. I guess I am.

April: Do you still think about Slash?

Raph: ...  Every day. But don't tell the guys I said that. I'll never hear the end of it.

April: I really don't think they'll have a problem with it, Raph.

Raph: (chuffs)  Yeah, I never thought they might.

April: So why treat it like a secret?

Raph: ...  It's complicated.

(Middle Season 3 Raph is asked the question.)

(system crash)

We're sorry, this character has been rebooted.

(Late Season 3 Raph is asked the question.)

Raph: What? No. Why would you even think that?

Donnie: Because of everything you went through with Slash.

Raph: What did I go through with Slash?

Leo: ...  Raph, you don't remember?

Raph: Remember what?

(Season 4 Raph is not asked the question because he's too busy sucking face with Mona Lisa.)

season 2 Raph two years later ("Raph A"): (horrified)  What the heck is this?!

season 4 Raph ("Raph B"): Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Raph A: What, is she your Wednesday night girl? How many girlfriends do you have?

Raph B: One.

Raph A: How long have you even known her?

Raph B: What does that matter?

Donnie: Thirty minutes, by my count.

Raph A: Is this what passes for character-writing in this universe?

Raph B: Hey, I know it may have been a little fast, but if you just spent some time with her, you'd like her too.

Raph A: It could spend thirty years and I wouldn't be into her.

Raph B: (annoyed)  Why not?

Raph A: ...  You don't even know, do you?

Raph B: Know what?

Raph A: (sighs)  Just take me back to my own universe, Renet.

Raph B: Hey. What were you gonna say?

Raph A: ...  Do you remember Spike?

Raph B: Who's Spike?

Raph A: Renet, let's go.

(Renet and Raph A enter a portal.)

Renet: I told you before, Raph. Not every other version of you has the same past.

Raph: Look, I can see how some other guy could think she's hot. In a middle-aged skank sort of a way. But I couldn't imagine myself dating someone like that in a million years.

Renet: There's more to history than what happened just since you were born.  Like, that other you could have been conceived a different way, or there was a way different P-H balance inside his egg or some junk. Some versions of you are even a girl.

Raph: ...  Please tell me you're joking.

Renet: You almost were.

Raph: Okay I did not need to know that. I just wanna go home to my husband and forget any of this happened.

Renet: You're with Slash, right?

Raph: Yeah?

Renet: Not...  (checks notes)  ...Xever Montes?

Raph: (annoyed)  No.  Why would you even ask that?!

Renet: Well...  Some versions of you ended up with him instead.

Raph: But he's old.

Renet: Twelve years older than you.

Raph: ...  Only twelve years?

Xever: I have loved many a beautiful woman. But I'll admit there may have been the occasional gentleman who was near and dear to me.

What do you know about the others you work with? What about Bradford?

Xever: Bradford is in love with himself.  But Steranko and Zeck live together, and not just as roommates. The two of them are as transparent as glasnost.